Christopher Lane; Proper Noun; A Male born in Australia who enjoys art, reading, and the internet.
Eg. Christopher Lane writes this blog.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
The audience waits silently for the concert to begin. A lone obese man walks onto stage, the spotlight shines down on him. He taps the microphone.
“Mic check 1, 2, 3” he repeats this over
“Mic check 1, 2, 3” and over
“Mic check 1, 2, 3” then he stops.
He stands silently as the audience watches on. Slowly, the music starts.
“RAH RAH AH AH AH”
The audience begins to scream
“ROMA ROMA MA”
Their screams intensify, shaking the concert hall
“GA GA OH LA, WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE”
Lady Gaga bursts forth from the obese mans stomach and begins to sing Bad Romance. As she dances, she whips her hair about and showers the audience in the man’s blood. They scream and rip the clothes from their bodies. They rub the blood on their bodies as Lady Gaga sings.
The song ends.
It’s midnight as he pulls the McRib from its packaging. The BBQ sauce drips down his leopard print snuggie. His cat stares at him in disgust, so he pulls his snuggie over his head. Enclosed in his cocoon of loneliness her devours the McRib in 4 mighty bites. His heart begins to hurt, but that’s just the heart attack coming. He stands to wash his hands, but is too lazy and collapses on the floor in the lounge room where he lays for what feels like hours. Eventually he gets up and begins on his chips.
I am not good at women, like at all. Sometimes when I see a girl who is cute I roll myself into a ball and roll away. This doesn’t mean I don’t think of amazing pick up lines, so here are some. If these get you the sex please tell me so I can live vicariously through you. Thanks.
That’s all of them. The end.
I like the show Friends. It’s probably in like my top 10 favorite shows because I can rewatch it over and over again (and since it’s on so often on 111 Hits I end up watching 2 or 3 episodes a day) and the one character I super hate is Rachel.
Why do I hate Rachel? Because she is a stupid bitch is why. Look at the first episode, she runs out on her wedding and finds her old friend who she’s not spoken to in years, and then decides she is going to stay with her. Not once does she think that maybe her best friend from years ago doesn’t want anything to do with her because she’s so stuck up, but hey, in these episodes that’s her character. A self-obsessed bitch. You’d think she’d get better over the episodes but she just gets worse.
You can see how much of a manipulative bitch she is with Ross. When she first finds out he “loves” her (after he buys her a present, because she likes shiny shit) she decides to go meet him at the airport to tell him how she feels. It’s all mushy and cute and you think “Wow, Rachel is such a nice character she really cares for Ross” but Ross comes back with Julie, who he then begins dating. Sure, Rachel could be happy that the guy she supposedly now loves is in a stable and nice relationship, but NOPE, she leaves him a voicemail telling him she is “over him”. Ross, being the pathetic guy he is, decides to dump Julie for Rachel, but not before he makes a list.
Sure, making the list was stupid, but in the end he decides to end his relationship for her, and then suddenly she decides she doesn’t want him because he made a list. Bitch, you left him a drunken sloppy voicemail and you get up him for being rational and making a list? Lists are amazing as shit and help you make tough decisions. So she leaves Ross, alone, with no Julie to bone in his hour of need, and she just forgets about him. She moves onto a guy who looks like Ross which I guess was supposed to show she still loves him but all it really shows is how fucked up she is.
Eventually they get together, this time when Rachel sees a video when he was going to take her to prom, and since she loves guys who will do anything for her, they begin dating. They date for a year and everything is fine and the writers of Friends actually have to come up with good storylines that don’t revolve around their “sexual chemistry” or whatever. This goes on until Ross is scared of losing her and goes all insane and tries to surprise her at work with a picnic. She tells him he’s annoying her and she wants go on a break.
Now, I don’t know what her definition of a break is, but I think it’s a time where you take a break from the relationship to see if you even belong together. NOT FOR RACHEL THO, Rachel is a stupid bitch who, after almost banging Mark, decides she wants to go back with him. It’s too late tho because Ross decided to bang a girl who was much hotter than Rachel, so Rachel went apeshit and breaks up with him for reals.
If I was Ross here I would have gone back and banged the photocopy chick again. On Rachel’s bed. THEN LAUGHED IN HER STUPID UGLY FACE but he just acts pathetic instead.
Finally they both move on. Rachel finds a new guy to obsess over (Joshua) and Ross gets a girl through Rachel. Sure, they might both be kind of happy now, but Rachel can’t have Ross being happy, so on the last night he is with the Emily where he has planned a big romantic night of lovey shit for her, Rachel decides to ruin it so she can start banging Joshua, because she only cares about herself and no one else.
After ruining Ross’s night she eventually gets with Joshua and everything is once again fine, that is until Ross is about to get married. Rachel goes psycho, ruining her relationship with Joshua in the meantime, and eventually flies to England to ruin his marriage.
She succeeds and once he is single again she decides she doesn’t want to date him again.
I could go on and on and on about why I hate Rachel (Like when she tried to make everyone think Ross wanted to bone her but she used the story because she wanted him stuffed in her rotten old cunt) but the point is she was the worst character ever and if they ever make a Friends movie I hope it starts at her funeral.
They say things like
I could write these forever but I will stop now.
I started uni a while ago because I thought that I should probably make something of my life and for whatever reason I decided that a piece of paper with my name on it would help me. At first it was okay because the lecturer would tell us information and then I’d do my assignments and everything was okay, until the lecturer started giving the class more and more group work to do. I checked my assignment schedule for the semester and saw that I have a group presentation due that is worth 40% which I find stupid but it’s probably why she’s making us to do so much of it lately.
Not many people know this, but I don’t like people, and even the people I do like I don’t talk to much because of my crippling social anxieties that makes me want to go crawl in a hole whenever people try to talk to me. This is all amplified when I am given group work, because I am expected to talk to people I don’t know or like about something that I just want to do alone. I work best alone when I can just zoom through whatever I’m doing as fast as I can and then check Twitter, which means lately all my group work has been me doing the entire thing while the others discuss whatever the fuck they’re discussing, and by the time they start I’m already done, and they decide to use mine and the teacher praises my groups work and I’m thinking BUT IT WAS ME I AM THE ONE WHO WROTE IT NOT THESE CUNTS!
But anyway, my point is that group work is stupid and I wish everyone was dead.
I was going to draw a bunch of cards for Valentines day but I’m lazy, so instead here are some romantic things to write in your V-Day cards:
Last week I got bored and signed up to a dating website. Everyone was so hideously ugly I decided to just correct everyone’s spelling and grammar (because when you’re sad and alone on a Friday it’s what you do). This is one of the chats I had
chrdl
1/28/2012 5:48:41 PM
Hi, I don’t want to come off as pretentious, but in your profile you
say you’re “knew to plenty of fish” when it should be “new to plenty of fish” :)
Danisf89
1/28/2012 8:54:36 PM
Righto mate. Piss off
chrdl
1/28/2012 11:36:39 PM
There’s no need for that language, it was just helpful advice. On a
website dedicated to finding you a suitable mate surely you don’t
want to come off as an idiot. It’s not like I was mean about it. I
could have easily told you every single place you forgot a comma, or
asked why you found it necessary to randomly capitalize letters in
the middle of sentence, but I didn’t. I merely corrected you on using
the wrong word in a sentence. Just an observation, but perhaps your
overly bitchy nature is what has forced you to use a dating site to
find love. It’s just a thought :)
Danisf89
1/29/2012 12:33:12 AM
Hahahahaha your seriously not ok in the head!
chrdl
1/29/2012 12:35:33 AM
What about my “seriously not ok in the head”? Oh, did you mean
“you’re” the contraction of the words “you are”? If you meant that I
can see how it makes sense, otherwise it is just confusing. Please
remember that grammar and spelling are important, you don’t want to
come across as an uneducated bitch, do you?
Danisf89
1/29/2012 1:11:51 AM
I never asked for your advice on spelling or grammar!! Instead of prof
reading everyones profile and correcting the
Mistakes why don’t you try have a normal conversation. Weirdo!
chrdl
1/29/2012 1:13:45 AM
Well I was trying to have a normal conversation. I don’t know what
social circles you are involved in, but in mine we often have
intelligent conversations and correct one-another. Being told you are
wrong is not rude, it should be taken as a way to better yourself.
Perhaps you should stop being so quick to jump to cunt mode and
instead realize when someone is being nice and trying to do you a favor.
Danisf89
1/29/2012 1:16:30 AM
There is no need for it. Good luck buddy hope you find a girl who will
tolerate your crap
chrdl
1/29/2012 1:19:53 AM
In the few messages we have sent you went from someone who looked like
they didn’t graduate primary school to someone with an almost adult
like grasp of spelling. I think I did a good job :)
Bye.
Every so often I get sick of going to bed at 6am and waking up at 3pm and decide that I am going to get back into a normal sleep schedule. This usually means that I stay up all night and go to bed early so I will wake up early. It works for a while, but after a few days of going to bed early and waking up early, my body gets sick of it and slips back into its old routine.
I think it’s because my body doesn’t like being productive. See, with my early schedule I’m usually awake, showered and dressed by 8-9am, which means for 12-13 hours I feel like I should be productive. It usually ends up with me cleaning everything, then getting bored and just sitting on the computer knowing I should be doing something, like going for a bike ride or grocery shopping or whatever it is adults do. The first day it’s fine because I can actually do all these things. Then the second day hits and everything is done. I have nothing to do so I just sit on the computer and feel like I’m wasting the day.
This is the opposite if I have my nocturnal schedule. Usually with by the time I wake up, have a shower and get dressed it’s like 4 in the afternoon and I think “Well I can’t do anything because it’s too late” so I don’t feel bad about wasting the day on the computer.
What a useless blog this was. It wasn’t even funny, so to make up for it here’s a joke.
Knock Knock
Now you say who’s there. Say it. I’m not continuing until you say it. Have you said it yet? You have? Okay good I’ll continue.
I eat mop
Ok now you say “I eat mop who”. Did you say it? HAHA IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU SAID I EAT MY POO! Haha, you’re so gross!
I haven’t slept yet, I was up all night finishing Saints Row 3. I wasn’t going to stay up finishing it originally, I wasn’t even going to play it at all tonight; I wanted to played DC Universe Online. I downloaded it today on my PS3 and for whatever stupid reason it’s taking forever to update, which always shits me with games you download. I don’t care if there’s an update when I buy a physical copy, that’s fine, you updated something after making the CD; but with digital you can change it, because like, it’s on the Internet.
You know what else annoys me? When you go to quit games and it says “Are you sure you want to quit? (Any unsaved progress will be lost)” Why can’t it say “Do you want to save before quitting?” It would save me a lot of
“Oh shit I forgot to save *presses back, goes into menu, finds save option, click on save, click on save file, click yes I want to overwrite, finally it saves*”
So yeah, I finished Saints Row 3 and it was pretty good, but not as good as I thought it would be. I thought a game where I can beat cops to death with a dildo while running about a nude large breasted woman would be the greatest game ever made.
When the game starts it does a good job of setting stuff up so you if you haven’t played Saints Row 1 or 2 before you know what’s going on, but then once you get into it the missions are really choppy in bits, and a large portion are just a way to unlock side activities in the game, so just filler. One of the activities you drive around with a tiger. No reasoning behind it, some guy just says “Hey drive with a tiger” and so you do. Oh and some missions are just cut scenes, like, you click the missions, you drive somewhere, and then a guy sums up what you did in your last mission and then it’s over. Out of the 47 or whatever missions there are probably like 10 actual missions that further the storyline.
The ending is pretty stupid, granted I’ve only beaten one ending so the second might be better. Whoops, that was a spoiler. Don’t read that it is a spoiler!
The co-op in the game is pretty good. It lets someone just join your game and play along with you which can help. It also has a second mode called ‘Whored Mode’ which is a set of…I guess mini games would be the best thing to call them. You get a different weapon and you have to kill a set amount of people. This mode would lend itself to co-op on one TV really well, as it’s only a small amount of room to move around so both players could be on one screen, but alas, it doesn’t. I mean, it has co-op, just online and over LAN which is pretty stupid. It means if I want to actually play the game with someone in the same room as me, they have to bring a TV, PS3, and game to my house.
Overall I’d give the game like a 7 out of 10 (because I am a game reviewer now). If you find it for cheap (like $40-) then I’d buy it probably. Actually I wouldn’t because I already own it but you should.
