May 2012
5 posts
3 tags
The concert (Part 1)
The audience waits silently for the concert to begin. A lone obese man walks onto stage, the spotlight shines down on him. He taps the microphone.
“Mic check 1, 2, 3” he repeats this over
“Mic check 1, 2, 3” and over
“Mic check 1, 2, 3” then he stops.
He stands silently as the audience watches on. Slowly, the music starts.
“RAH RAH AH AH AH”
...
6 tags
If my night was an erotic novel
It’s midnight as he pulls the McRib from its packaging. The BBQ sauce drips down his leopard print snuggie. His cat stares at him in disgust, so he pulls his snuggie over his head. Enclosed in his cocoon of loneliness her devours the McRib in 4 mighty bites. His heart begins to hurt, but that’s just the heart attack coming. He stands to wash his hands, but is too lazy and collapses on...
9 tags
Pop culture pick up lines
I am not good at women, like at all. Sometimes when I see a girl who is cute I roll myself into a ball and roll away. This doesn’t mean I don’t think of amazing pick up lines, so here are some. If these get you the sex please tell me so I can live vicariously through you. Thanks.
Are you Mary Poppins? Because you’re practically perfect in every way
You remind me of Frosted...
5 tags
The One Where I Write A Big Stupid Blog About Why...
I like the show Friends. It’s probably in like my top 10 favorite shows because I can rewatch it over and over again (and since it’s on so often on 111 Hits I end up watching 2 or 3 episodes a day) and the one character I super hate is Rachel.
Why do I hate Rachel? Because she is a stupid bitch is why. Look at the first episode, she runs out on her wedding and finds her old friend who...
5 tags
Sometimes I put notes in peoples mailboxes
They say things like
You are being watched
I know you’re cheating on me
You are not living up to your full potential
You should call your mother more often
You will never find love
You left something really important at the shops
You should read more books
Are you happy with your life
Your breath smells
People are talking about you behind your back
There’s a spider in your...
April 2012
1 post
6 tags
Group work
I started uni a while ago because I thought that I should probably make something of my life and for whatever reason I decided that a piece of paper with my name on it would help me. At first it was okay because the lecturer would tell us information and then I’d do my assignments and everything was okay, until the lecturer started giving the class more and more group work to do. I checked...
February 2012
2 posts
4 tags
Valentines GAY
I was going to draw a bunch of cards for Valentines day but I’m lazy, so instead here are some romantic things to write in your V-Day cards:
I bought you a diamond, can I stick it in your butt now?
I promise to stop making your dog lick peanut butter off my ballsack
Roses are red, violets are blue, I want to butt fuck you.
I love you kind of, like not like love love, but I do love...
6 tags
Dating website chats.
Last week I got bored and signed up to a dating website. Everyone was so hideously ugly I decided to just correct everyone’s spelling and grammar (because when you’re sad and alone on a Friday it’s what you do). This is one of the chats I had
chrdl 1/28/2012 5:48:41 PM Hi, I don’t want to come off as pretentious, but in your profile you say you’re “knew to...
November 2011
6 posts
4 tags
Early to bed, early to rise.
Every so often I get sick of going to bed at 6am and waking up at 3pm and decide that I am going to get back into a normal sleep schedule. This usually means that I stay up all night and go to bed early so I will wake up early. It works for a while, but after a few days of going to bed early and waking up early, my body gets sick of it and slips back into its old routine.
I think it’s...
1 tag
Saints Row Row Row Your Boat 3
I haven’t slept yet, I was up all night finishing Saints Row 3. I wasn’t going to stay up finishing it originally, I wasn’t even going to play it at all tonight; I wanted to played DC Universe Online. I downloaded it today on my PS3 and for whatever stupid reason it’s taking forever to update, which always shits me with games you download. I don’t care if...
A script I wrote.
Back in Year 12 I did Drama and one of the assignments was to re-write Blackrock by Nick Enright in a different style. My friend and I chose to write it as a comedy since no one else was, and because the teacher told us that it was a stupid idea and we would never be able to do it. WE SHOWED HER! Here’s the script, I’m planning to turn it into a major motion picture.
Scene 1:
[Stage...
2 tags
SPIDER STORY
About an hour ago I went into the bathroom to wash my hands. I often go in there to wash my hands so this was a normal thing to do, what wasn’t normal was the GIANT FUCKING SPIDER ON THE WALL!
I walked into the bathroom to wash my hands, and on the wall was a big fuck-off sized spider (Read: bigger than my hand) on the wall. It was one of those spiders that is so big it actually has a face....
2 tags
I love cats. The end.
I was reading a blog by the super wonderful Vanessa and she said she hates cats because they’re ugly and would eat you if you died but that’s one of the reasons I love cats.
See, I plan to grow old alone. I am a horrible person who will never find love, I know this. Being a horrible old person I will surround myself with thousands of cats. Okay, not thousand. Maybe like 20 or...
3 tags
Things that shouldn't be around because it's 2011
It is 2011, I know this because that’s what my phone says. Since we are so far in the future these are things that I don’t understand why they still exist.
Books
Why are there still books? This doesn’t make sense when we have kindles and iPads and those stupid Motorola tablets. Every day when I’m checking one of the webcomic/blogs I read I see “I AM MAKING A...
October 2011
4 posts
7 tags
a horror story
Today is halloween so here is a scary story.
Our story begins Scaryville, a town like any other, only this town was built on an Indian burial ground.
It was a normal night in Scaryville. The streets were empty, lights were off in all the house and everyone was asleep. That is, everyone except Arthur. Arthur was a 12 year old boy with scruffy black hair and blue eyes. He was smaller than most...
9 tags
A blog about Minecraft
I bought Minecraft a week or so ago, I think. To be honest it could have been years ago. It has pretty much dominated what little life I had. Anyway, tonight as with any other night I was playing on a multiplayer server and mining cobblestone.
While mining in my mine with my mining tool I heard zombies. I ran through my mine but couldn’t find them. The sound seemed to be coming from one...
4 tags
The Types Of Tweeters
The Political Nerd:
If anything political happens, be it a protest in Libya, The gay marriage bill, or just a good ole’ joke at Julia Gillard’s expense they’re there to tweet about it. They’re the tweeter whose tweets you don’t read, but just skim over and mainly follow because you’ve followed them so long it would just be awkward.
The Day-To-Day-Tweeter:
The...
6 tags
The rules of Football.
This weekend was the grand finals of the football and I noticed a lot of the people I follow on Twitter had no ideas of the rules. So I am here to tell you the rules and origins of Football.
Now you might be saying “But I don’t want to know the rules of football before I know how football came to be”. You might also be saying “This is some good porn I enjoy the...
September 2011
7 posts
5 tags
Tips for picking up womens.
I am what you would call a lady’s man, well you would if it was opposite day…wait no then I’m a man’s man. Scratch all that, here are just some ways to pick up the lady folk.
1. The phony foreigner
This is fairly simple. Introduce yourself to a girl, become her good friend and after a few months/years say that you aren’t an Australian citizen and you’re being...
4 tags
Dear future girlfriend
Here are a few things I think my future girlfriend should know
1. No touching
Let’s get this out of the way first. I don’t like being touched. No hugs. No handshake. No kissing me. No nothing. You probably have cooties and I do not want them. Yes this also applies to sex. I don’t want your dirty vagina cooties on my penis.
2. No talking
I don’t like to talk I like to...
Okay smarty, go to a party.
Tonight I went to a party, and by “went to a party” I mean left my house for half an hour, realized why I hate leaving the house and came home. Here is a dramatic retelling of the half an hour I left the house.
DRAMATIC RETELLING STORY 1:
It was a Friday like any other. Christopher sat at the computer listening to Friday by Rebecca Black over and over when his sister came out of her...
6 tags
Haircuts!
Today I booked a haircut. I know it’s time to get a haircut when I start looking like Cousin It (FROM THE ADDAMS FAMILY IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW). I booked this haircut with my sister’s hairdresser because she says she’s super good. Plus she works from her house which is good because my normal hairdresser is in a shopping centre and sometimes people look at me while I get my...
6 tags
Rejected Twitter Jokes.
Sometimes late at night I have ideas for jokes to tweet. Since I’m usually half asleep when I think of them and not knowing if they’re actually good or just good because I’m half asleep I save them in my drafts so I can tweet them in the morning. Usually once I read them again I think they’re not that good, so they just stay in my drafts forever. Here are some of my drafts...
11 tags
A review type thing
Last night I finished reading Bossypants (it’s Tina Fey’s autobiography for those of you who are stupid and/or dumb) but this isn’t a review about that, it’s my review of eBooks. WHAT A TWIST, RIGHT?!
Bossypants was the first eBook I bought and read all the way through. When iBooks first came out I did download a few of the free books, but I never read them. Mainly because...
4 tags
Please for the love of God, stop doing these...
Another part of my infamous series of things you have to stop doing on Twitter (soon to be a major motion picture). The other parts are here: [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4]
1. RT’ing the end of conversations between two people
There is nothing more annoying then a RT showing up in my feed that says “RT: @Person1 @Person2 HAHA, yeah it’s really dumb, right?!”....
August 2011
5 posts
4 tags
A pornographic movie
A while ago I used to work in porn. The 3 months I wrote/acted in them I made around 600 films, ranging from The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Butthole to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (the chamber of secrets is a vagina in that one). Here is a script I wrote that was never used for whatever stupid reasons.
Scene 1
Interior: lounge room. Girl is sitting on her couch in see through...
4 tags
There are still even more things you have to stop...
Another installment in my thrilling ‘Things you have to stop doing on Twitter’ series. Here are previous ones: [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]
1. Tweeting personal things no one will understand
I’ve seen people lately tweeting things no one but a few people will understand, or stating things about people I don’t know “Bla bla is online, FINALLY!” “OMG bla bla...
3 tags
Why I couldn't live with other people ever.
As I get older I know eventually I’ll start having to doing adult things. This frightens me. I can’t be an adult, I still make farting sounds with my hands when I shower.
One of the first thing you have to do to be an adult is move out of your parents house. This would be fine if I could move out alone, but as movies/TV/Real life has taught me I will probably end up with a crappy job...
3 tags
Love stuff and why I hate it.
Love is dumb. I don’t believe in love at all. It could be because I’m sad and alone but it’s probably not. It’s probably because it’s DUMB. Here are reasons why love (and stuff you do when you’re in love) is dumb:
1. Giving people flowers
Giving people flowers is stupid. Why do people do it? You know the flowers are going to die. It’d be like giving...
1 tag
Dating tips for lonely people (Part 1)
I decided to write a blog on dating tips for lonely people. I did one for fat people a while back if you are fat and want to read that instead.
You’re probably saying to yourself “But Christopher, you haven’t had a girlfriend in 4 years. You haven’t even kissed a girl in over a year. What makes you such an expert” and to that I say SHUT UP THAT’S WHY!
1....
July 2011
7 posts
2 tags
Ways to make hospitals better.
This is an idea for a blog I had last year. At the beginning of the year I was in hospital 3 weeks in 2 months and I hated it. I spent a lot of time wondering how they could make it better. Here’s what I came up with.
1. Make the rooms nicer/more private
This was one of the things I hated most about hospitals. Most of the rooms had 4 beds in each, with just a curtain to close you off from...
2 tags
The cult of Apple.
As I sit here, listening to my iPod, texting on my iPhone and web surfing on my iPad I wonder when my life become a walking commercial for Apple products, somehow convincing a large number of my family members to buy iSomething or iOther.
I wasn’t always this way, so dependent on my iDevices. I USED TO BE NORMAL!
It all began after I had turned 18. My phone was on it’s last legs and...
2 tags
3 tags
Totally original story.
A long time ago in a galaxy far away there were 3 bears named Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They set out one day to find the land of Mordor, but on the way they found a gingerbread house. They started to eat it when suddenly a genie came out of it. He said he would grant them 3 wishes. Harry wished for a house made of straw, Ron wished for a house made of sticks, and Hermione, being the smartest of...
7 tags
Harry Potter and the Loop Holes (Part 1)
So the other day my sister, hey boyfriend and I watched the first 2 Harry Potter movies, and there were a few giant loopholes we noticed. Here they are:
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s stone:
Throughout this whole movie Proffesor Quirell is trying to harm/kill Harry and get the Philosophers Stone, but he is always stopped by Snape. Snape, the guy who Voldemort trusts. Since Voldemort is...
1 tag
Even more things you have to stop doing on...
Part of my ongoing series of things you shouldn’t do on Twitter [Part 1] [Part 2]
1. Mentioning your sexuality in your bio
I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual or extratesexual. Twitter isn’t a dating service. No one cares.
2. Linking to your Favstar on your page
I use Favstar, I love it, but I don’t see what the point in linking it is. It...
I'm here to talk about stuff 1.
A while ago while at the shopping complex I was having lunch with my sister and she pointed out a larger girl, who had short hair
“See that girl” My sister said, pointing to her
“The lesbian?” I said, half asking
“How did you know?” She asked me
Truth is, I didn’t. I just assumed from her appearance. I found out it was one of my cousins friends who she...
June 2011
5 posts
5 tags
Marriage and why it is stupid.
Lately everyone on Twitter has been talking about gay marriage. I don’t know if it’s because 90% of the people I follow are gay and just like saying it over and over and over and over, or because it’s like a hot topic at the moment. I don’t watch the news, I don’t know. Until I was 12 I didn’t even know I lived in Australia. I thought I was African. Any way, I...
3 tags
History Lessons 2: The Rat tail haircut.
Now most of use now what a rat’s tail is in haircuts (for those who don’t visit here first) but most of us don’t know the origins of this amazing haircut.
The origin of the rat tail haircut:
Back in the 1300’s the black plague began to spread, it was usually spread by rats. As more and more people started getting the plague they needed some way to tell other people to...
2 tags
More things you have to stop doing on Twitter.
A while ago I wrote some things you should stop doing on Twitter. Since then I’ve noticed more stupid things people are doing on Twitter that need to stop:
1. Linking your YouTube to Twitter
I don’t want to see “Bla bla liked a video of this shitty indie band live” every 2 minutes. Yes, we get it, you’re “super hip” and “cool”.
2. Using...
Comic Ideas: Cyborg Jesus.
It’s the year 3528 and No@h is harvesting his crops on Farmville 2.0 when suddenly, a chat window pops up. It is God. God tells him that he will soon destroy the Earth and he has to build a spaceship and put 2 of every animal on it, and vacate Earth.
He sets out to build his spaceship and stock it with 2 of every animal. Luckily in the future all animals are extinct except for one...
3 tags
Horoscopes for the 8th June.
Gemini: Today will be a good day for everyone except you. Nothing will go right for you. More than likely you’ll end up being killed by a falling piano, which when you think about it is a cool way to die, so maybe things are looking up for you.
Libra: There will be a flood in your workplace, luckily you are super-absorbent and will save the day. Your boss will give you a gift card for $20...
May 2011
2 posts
1 tag
A story.
I wrote a story. Here it is.
Once upon a time there were 3 little bears who lived in a house. There was the mother bear, the father bear, and Gerald (who was also a bear and a baby too). One day the mother bear made Gerald and father bear some breakfast. She was a bad cook so she made some porridge.
She left the porridge in the microwave too long and it was really hot so they decided to go for...
10 tags
My Brisbane/Gold Coast trip 2011:
Here is a blog about my sister (Alex) and my trip to Brisbane and the Gold Coast.
Day 1 (4th May):
I woke up at 8:30a, half forgetting why I had to get up and wanting to go back to bed. Once I remembered it was for my flight I leaped out of bed and showered. Once I’d gotten dressed and made sure I had everything in my bag it was time to leave.
We got to the airport earlier than I needed...
March 2011
1 post
4 tags
My entire ulcerative colitis story.
Sometimes people ask me how I’m sick, or what I have. Usually I’d point them to a blog, but I don’t think I’ve done one (or if i have, I have no idea where it is) so I thought I would write an entire new one. This blog will be about my UC, ileostomy, and reversal. It’s going to be a bit long, so yeah. Let’s begin.
It all began in 2008, it was around March when...
February 2011
4 posts
Take over Australia. Get women.
Today at dinner my cousin was telling me that government jobs get 5 weeks of holidays and everyone else gets 4. I found this stupid so I have decided to overthrow government and become ruler of Australia. No one will overthrow me as my rules will be amazing. Here they are:
Children would go to school from the time they’re 6-18. No quitting school. Also, anyone still in school would have to...
Writing for the sake of writing.
Right now, at this very second, I feel like writing. Well writing or drawing but my pad is so far away and I don’t really want to move so instead I’ll write stuff until I make some sort of sense.
Oh, I’ve got it. Today, while hanging out with my cousin, sibling, and siblings lover, we were discussing pregnancy. More to the point, what we would do if our babies came out as fat...
5 tags
Pick up lines for the 21st century.
It’s Valentines day (or as lonely people call it “OH GOD WHY AM I SO ALONE?!” day). I, being the master of seduction that I am, have decided to give you all some pick up lines that will 60% of the time work every time.
I was going to tweet about how amazing you are, but I couldn’t do it in under 140 characters (or, I was going to vlog about how amazing you are, but...
5 tags
Twitter Vs. Facebook
My sibling is always asking why I prefer Twitter to Facebook. No matter how I try, I’ve never been able to put into words.
Today while bored I tried searching Google for some stuff about Cyclone Yasi. A fair bit of the stuff I found was tweets and twitpics and it sort of hit me. Twitter is better because it’s a more open-source of information. It’s more free flowing than...
January 2011
4 posts
My Will.
I’ve just found out that a cyclone may be hitting Townsville. It could flood and I could die, but if I don’t die from that, I could die from my surgery on Friday. I think there’s like an 80% I’ll be dead before March, so I decided to write out a will and funeral plan.
When I die I want my body preserved in a giant cryogenic freezer, just in case I wake up after a while. I...