cdl.me

Here are a few things I think my future girlfriend should know

1. No touching

Let’s get this out of the way first. I don’t like being touched. No hugs. No handshake. No kissing me. No nothing. You probably have cooties and I do not want them. Yes this also applies to sex. I don’t want your dirty vagina cooties on my penis.

2. No talking

I don’t like to talk I like to sit in silence and play video games. You can play two player with me sometimes but most of the time I will be playing alone.

3. No going out

I don’t want to leave the house. Outside scares me, I want to stay inside and eat food forever. You can go out if you want, I don’t care, just don’t make me go.

4. No bitching at me

Don’t yell at me if you’re having a bad day. I don’t respond to yelling and will probably whip myself off a building if you do, then you will be responsible for my death and on my tombstone it’ll read “Killed himself because his girlfriend was being a little bitch” but if that’s what you want then go right ahead

5. No being a guy in disguise then announcing years into our relationship that you are a man hoping that my love will have grown towards you and that I’ll continue loving you no matter what

I am incapable of love, this will not work.