cdl.me

So this person I know, think their name is Jade Craven has a blog. Small time. Not big at all *SARCASTICCOUGHMEANINGSHEHASABIGBLOGBIGGERTHENYOURMUMSPENISCOUGH*

ANYWAY, she did this “14 facts about me because I am sooooooooooo cool like OMGZ!” (that might not be the title but I don’t care because I hate your Mother)

SO I thought I would also do one as detailed as hers, AS DETAILED! HERE IT IS!

(Also check out Mr_Billiam’s post 5 things you probably know about me)

1. I was born to a magical family My Mother is a genie and my Father is a unicorn prince

Yes, this is indeed true. My Mother is a magical genie, and my Father is a unicorn prince from the kingdom of Unicornia. They met at a Magix meeting, and fell in love. Then from pure magical chemicals radiating from their bodies, I instantly appeared, I had been born. This is the reason I am like 1 bajillion times more awesome then you. In fact, the word awesome was actually created just as a way of describing me, YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN! How? Easy

2. Coming from a magical family I have certain magical powers

I have a large range of magical powers. Listing them would take ten million years! I know because I once listed them, then came back in time. Unfortaunetly I left the list in the future. I could’ve written another one but I didn’t want to spend another 10 million years writing because my hands was kind of hurting from it. Basically, if you can imagine a superpower, I have it. I even have the power to create a sandwich with only the words “BITCH MAKE ME A SAMMICH!”.

3. I am actually 20 foot tall

But I shrink myself so I will fit in. Last time I went to Tokyo in my green shirt they started shouting I was God-Zilla or something. I assumed these words meant GOD OF AWESOME! But it turns out they thought I was a dinosaur. They made a movie about it tho so you know, there’s that

4. Once I skinny dipped in the Loch Ness river water thing. Now they think a monster lives in there

My dong is that big, yes…ladies ;)…ok I made it grow with my magical superpowers. SHUDDUP! Your Mum didn’t complain

5. I have been in every single movie ever made

You know that one guy in the movie whose kind of in the back, but is blurry. You think you’ve seen him before? Yeah, it’s me. I have been in every single movie that has ever been made. Even porn. Sometimes I shrink myself down and sit on peoples shoulders. I was on Johnny Depps shoulder in Sweeney Todd, telling him the lyrics when he forgot them.

6. I was the inspiration for the Mona Lisa

So me and Da Vinci were getting drunk this one time, and I put on a wig, and was all “OOOH I’M A PRETTY LADY!” and he’s like “THAT SHIT’S SO FUNNY! I GOTTA PAINT THAT FUCKER!” so he did. I kept laughing so he’s like “FUCK YOU I’LL PAINT YOU NOT SMILING AT ALL!” Man, it was like the most epic night ever

7. I once punched Chuck Norris in the arm and he cried like a little bitch for 24 hours straight

I was at a party, and I saw him so I was like “Yo, you’re Chuck Norris right?” and he’s all “OMGZ YOU’RE CHRISTOPHER LANE I FUCKING LOVE YOU!” and he tries to kiss me, so I’m like FUCK THIS and punched him in the arm, and HE CRIED! Not even a manly cry (if there is such a thing) it was a little womanly cry. Then he ran away. Later I found out he also pissed himself from fright. Now me and my posse call him pissy woman cryer.

8. I taught Jesus how to walk on water

Or rather, I did it for him. People were starting to doubt he was the son of God, so he was like “Christopher, thou hast to helpeth me. You must create a mricale of such brilliance the world believes my lies!” So I’m all “That’s cool, I’ll walk across some motherfucking water” so I dressed up like him and walked across water. I could’ve taken credit, but he said if I did he wouldn’t pay for the whores we had the night before, and it didn’t have any old timey money.

9. I also created the Earth

It was just yesterday actually. Got bored and wanted to see how the world began. Went back and it was just this big black nothing. I couldn’t see so I lit a mtach and then BOOM! everything exploded. It was the biggest bang I ever heard. Then the Earth was created. So in a way, I am actually God. Feel free to praise me/send me gifts of money

10. I told Hitler how to style his hair

First off, you might think “WHY DIDN’T YOU TRY TO STOP HIM?!” and I did! I couldn’t tho. He was immune to my powers, since he himself was born into a magical family (found out later I am his father after screwing his Mother. Told her to get an abortion but the doctor talked her out of it)  BUT I didn convince him that the mustache would look good, look iconic. Didn’t tell him he looked like a complete douchebag. I still laugh about it

11. I own a unicorn farm

Really it’s just my dads familys parent, but I do take their eggs and sell them to the gnome people of the mushroom kingdom to make my pants.

12. I am what Willis was talking ‘bout.

Once during a taping of Diff’rent strokes, I was talking to the kid who played Willis, I told him all about the future. Later he told Gary Coleman all about it, and he uttered “What you talking ‘bout Willis?” The director loved it and said to keep it in the show.

13. I own all the money in the world

It’s how I make all my extravagant purchases without having a job. I just go into a store and make the cashier pay, since I own all the money in the world. ALL THE MONEY! I won it in a card game against Donald Trump, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates

14. I am immortal

I will never die. One day it will seem like I’ve died, but it is merely an act I need to give off every 80 or so years so people won’t realize I am a mortal. Also, I don’t age. I just put on the appearance so people won’t go “HOW CAN YOU BE 10,001,498 years old! You look 20!” And for the record, I am 10,001,498. 2 more years until the big 1-0-0-0-1-5-0-0. I was however, only born 1,500 years ago. I am ten million years older because of my list I made (see fact 2)

END OF LIST!