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This weekend was the grand finals of the football and I noticed a lot of the people I follow on Twitter had no ideas of the rules. So I am here to tell you the rules and origins of Football.

Now you might be saying “But I don’t want to know the rules of football before I know how football came to be”. You might also be saying “This is some good porn I enjoy the lighting” I don’t know what you’re saying. I don’t have cameras installed in your house…okay I do, but they don’t have sound. WOAH OFF TOPIC! So how did Football come to be? LIKE THIS!

It was the year 1329 and Sir Poonanie Vaginial was developing something that could be used for games for children. He was trying to make something round, but alas his first attempt came out shaped like an egg. He threw it in the thrash but because of it’s odd shape it bounced away and ended up at a near by farm for down syndrome children. They began fighting over who would sit on the egg until it hatched. Sir Poonanie Vaginial, seeing this decided to develop a game based around trying to get an egg to hatch. After hundreds of attempts he settled on going back to using a ball, and getting it from one end of a field to the other. He tried to test it out on the down syndrome kids but by this time they had all eaten each other, so he instead went to the local pub to get some drunkards to try out his game. It was a great success with them and thus, Football was born!

So what are the rules of Football? They are quite easy to learn. Here are the basics

Each team needs 20 people on it, and only 10 can go on the field at once. This is often the biggest hindrance in the game as most people who play football can’t count so there are often hundreds of people on the field (and in the case of the great Scottish football debacle of 1812 16.7 million, and 12 goats). Once they get the correct amount of people on field the game begins. The team with the ball has to get it to the other end of the field, while team b has to stop them by any means necessary as long as it doesn’t involve a weapon. If either team gets the ball to the side they have to get to they get a score point. Once they get a score point they have to kick the ball between the score pads and if it goes through they get another score point. Unlike golf the team with the most points at the end of the game wins. The winner then gets to ritualistically sacrifice a member of the opposite team and feast upon his heart gaining his strength.

And now you know everything you need to know about Football!