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Back in Year 12 I did Drama and one of the assignments was to re-write Blackrock by Nick Enright in a different style. My friend and I chose to write it as a comedy since no one else was, and because the teacher told us that it was a stupid idea and we would never be able to do it. WE SHOWED HER! Here’s the script, I’m planning to turn it into a major motion picture.

Scene 1:

[Stage set to look like news desk, curtains open to show Andrew sitting behind the desk. News music (Oompa Loompa song) plays]

Andrew: Welcome to the Oompa Loompa news. I’m Andrew Brabrook & I will be bringing you today’s top stories. (Shuffles papers on desk)

Firstly the biggest story of today. The rape and murder of Tracy Whoreington, whore by name whore by nature & one of the last female Oompa Loompa’s on EARTH!

(Silence for a second)

But not the universe.

(Lights gored. Andrew laughs evilly)

But back to our story. Tracy was raped right near the chocolate river. Her moans and screams were muffled out by the gentle trickling of the chocolate waterfall. That’s why Wonka chocolates are the best chocolate around.

(Pulls out Wonka chocolate from under the desk)

Wonka chocolates the best chocolates round. With a bit of Tracy in every pack.

(Opens up chocolate and pulls out some hair)

Look I won!

(Throws chocolate into the crowd)

We now have an interview with one of the two suspected rapist’s Charlie Bucket. Now let’s cross live to Sally Manally who will be interviewing Charlie Bucket.

(Other side of stage light’s up to see Charlie (Chris) entering and taking a seat next to Sally (Gillian).)

Sally: welcome Charlie

Charlie: Hello sally, glad to be here

Sally: So Charlie if that is your real name?

(Charlie jumps on the floor crying)

Charlie: OK IT’S NOT CHARLIE, MY REAL NAME IS SCOTT

Sally: AHUH! I KNEW IT. Did you rape Tracy?

Charlie: yes but it’s not my fault I thought she was a giant Jaffa

Sally: so you thought you were raping a Jaffa?

Charlie: well yeh until it started screaming but luckily the gentle trickling of the-

(Sally cuts him off)

Sally: They’ve already done that part!

(sally slaps Charlie)

Charlie: oh my bad

(Silence)

Sally: And what do you reckon about Willy Wonka being the other suspected rapist.

(Exert Pg 22)

Charlie: well it’s not what I reckon. It’s what they reckon he’s a suss-dog. A poofter.

Sally: well I suppose that’s his business, isn’t it?

Charlie: He comes in the choc factory and someone always says backs to the wall.

Sally: What else would you like to say

Charlie: Davo sprung him looking at muscle magazines up the newsagents.

Sally: Can we talk about something else?

Charlie: I’m only just warning you.

Sally: about what?

Charlie: what they reckon. He’s a queer dog.

Sally: say it properly. What you mean. Not a label. He gets all the labels. He’s a flanno. He’s a four-eyes. He’s a spock. Now he’s a queer dog. Say what you really mean.

Charlie: I’ve said! He’s a fag, they reckon.

Sally: they reckon.

Charlie: well, don’t you reckon?

Sally: Anyway…

(pauses)

you can go, now back to Andrew at the New’s desk.

(Light’s fade on sally. stage lights up on Andrew.)

Andrew: Thank you Sally. Now we will go across to Kathy at the scene of the rape.

(Lights fade projector shows news reel)

Kathy: Thank-you Andrew. I am standing at the scene where Tracy was brutally raped and murdered. As you can see from the outline of the body there are chocolate foot prints leading to and from Tracy’s body. This would be a vital clue but unfortunately both Charlie and Willy Wonka both have the same shoe size. They are currently analysing hair found at the scene to see who raped Tracy Whorington. Back to you Andrew.

(Lights fade up on Andrew)

Andrew: Thank-you Kathy; We are going to go to a quick break and will be back with the online predator preying on grandma’s.

(Lights fade down. Projector shows add of a tree)

Scene 2:

(Charlie walks up to grave stone of Tracy)

(Exert Pg 18)

Charlie: I’ll bring this song for you. Every time I come. The paper said somebody nicked your flowers. People are really off. But they’re planting a tree for you at the front of the factory. Tomorrow at lunch time. Or do you know that now?

(Kathy mumbles from under brown sheets)

Charlie: Oh my god you’re alive

(Kathy jumps up to reveal pregnant belly)

Tracy: Sure am

(Lights fade)

Scene 3:

(Exert Pg 16)

(Charlie and Willy Wonka are in the middle of the stage on a bed together)

Charlie: Come on back to sleep.

Willy: But what’s it like?

Charlie: That’s a big question for 2 o’clock in the morning. Couldn’t it wait?

Willy: I was scared. I didn’t know weather I’d had it, or it was going to happen next thing, or what.

Charlie: You go back to bed, and I promise you’ll have a better dream.

Scene 4:

(Stage set with 3 chairs in centre stage)

Gillian: Welcome everyone to Ricki Blake. Today we are here to find out the question everyone wants to know. Who is the dad of Tracy’s baby? Willy Wonka or Charlie Bucket. Now let’s welcome in Tracy.

(Tracy enters stage right and sits on a chair)

Gillian: Welcome Tracy. Now who do you hope the father is?

Tracy: Um..

(Pauses)

I’d prefer Willy because Charlies only 13 and I am 18 so Willy would be the better father

(Pauses)

Plus he is rich.

Gillian: Yes I’d probably prefer that too. Now lets bring out Charlie

(Charlie enters stage right)

And Willy

(Willy enters stage left)

(Charlie and Willy glare at each other evilly before sitting down. They fight over who gets to sit next to Tracy. Charlie ends up getting the chair)

Gillian: Welcome Charlie and Willy.

Charlie: Hello Ricki

Willy: Helloooo

Gillian: So Charlie we’ve all heard your side of the story but we’ve yet to hear Willy’s side.

Willy: And you never will

Gillian: But I am sure everyone wants to know why you raped her.

Willy: because I can, I was bigger then her it’s the circle of life.

Gillian: O…

(Pauses)

…k well we have the results now.

(pulls out an envelope)

And the father is

(Drum roll)

(Pauses)

Oh my god… it’s both of you

Charlie: WHAT!?

Willy: How is that possible?

Tracy: Oompa Loompa’s have 2 wombs.

Willy: Holy fudge

Charlie: I am too young to be a father

Ricki: you should have thought about that before you raped her

(Lights fade)

Scene 5:

(Scene set to look like a news desk)

Andrew: Hello and welcome to the Oompa Loompa news. Today’s top story Tracy Whoreington the girl who was raped and murdered is alive and pregnant!! And exclusive to this station we have a amateur video of what happened on the night.

(Clip plays)

(lights fade on stage)

(Scene set with empty beer cans on the ground. (Music plays))

(Kathy and Gillian are dancing in middle stage)

(Charlie (Andrew) taps Kathy on the shoulder and leads her off stage whispering in her ear) (Lights go up)

Andrew: What a little ska…

(Realises he’s back on)

Well um

(Pauses)

We also have the clip from one of her relatives when he took his own life because he thought Tracy was dead.

(Lights fade, clip of suicide plays)

Andrew: We added the sound effects to make it less tragic and it worked lets see it again.

(Clip plays again)

Andrew:

(Laughs)

How funny

(Wipes tears from eyes)

Lets see it once more.

(Clip plays again)

Andrew:

(Laughs)

Again, Again

Voice off stage: NO!

Andrew: Fine

(laughs again)

He died. Now we have Tracy and Willy coming in with their new baby. Unfortunately Charlie’s baby died

(says off stage)

Do we have a clip for that.

VOS: NO!

Andrew: Aww

(Tracy and Willy walk out with a baby and sit down next to Andrew)

Andrew: Welcome and what a cute baby

Willy: Thank you

(Gillian runs with a hood covering her face and stabs the baby)

Tracy: WHY GOD, WHY?!

(Awkward pause)

Andrew: Oh well join in tomorrow to find out who killed Tracy’s baby.

(Curtains close)

THE END