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Gemini: Today is all about forgiveness, so maybe you should stop bitching to your partner for running over your mother.

Libra: An old friend will come back into your life tonight. It will be awkward, especially since they will be the hooker your order to choke you while you fondle yourself.

Aquarius: Today is a good day for love…well, for everyone except for you. You will spend the day alone and crying like always.

Cancer: Did you know making too many jokes about your horoscope being cancer can cause cancer? You will today after your doctors appointment.

Scorpio: Today you will find your long lost child, dead on the side of the road. You will steal their money and buy booze.

Pisces: Your adopted child will be found dead on the side of the road today. You should suspect the birth parent.

Aries: If you don’t keep your mouth shout about what you saw last night you may end up wearing a pair of concrete shoes.

Leo: Your wife will cheat on you with your best female friend. You’ll find this out when you’re hiding in her cupboard rubbing one out.

Sagittarius: You’ll realize you have no condoms AFTER starting the foreplay. You’ll still go for it. It won’t matter, she’s already pregnant.

Taurus: The project you have been working on for the past 3 months will be destroyed by your crazy Nazi neighbor after a drug fueled bender.

Virgo: More like ‘virgin’ amirite? You’ll spend all of today masturbating furiously to pictures of the girl you liked in high school and crying.

Capricorn: Today will be like any other day, except you will gain superpowers and get laid a lot…so yeah, like any other day.