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Gemini: Today will be a good day for everyone except you. Nothing will go right for you. More than likely you’ll end up being killed by a falling piano, which when you think about it is a cool way to die, so maybe things are looking up for you.

Libra: There will be a flood in your workplace, luckily you are super-absorbent and will save the day. Your boss will give you a gift card for $20 at Coles for your hard work.

Aquarius: You will finally lose your virginity today to your mothers 60 year old cancer-ridden friend. 

Cancer: Those tic-tacs your coworker has been given you have actually been cyanide pills. How you’ve lasted this long I don’t know.

Scorpio: You read your diet book wrong. Instead of losing weight you’ve actually been creating a potion that will turn you into a demon that will feed on the souls of children. Oops.

Pisces: What’s that smell? Oh, it’s you. Today would have been a good day to shower since you will run into your high school girlfriend who is rich and wanted you back. 

Aries: Stop having sex with animals.

Leo: You’ll accidentally take a midget home from the shops instead of your child.

Sagittarius: After a night of hard drugs and alcohol you’ll kill your neighbor thinking he is a zombie. 

Taurus: Today you will meet someone special. Not special in the “fall-in-love” way, as in mentally handicapped. When your friend dies he leaves his down-syndrome to you to care for. Hilarity ensues. 

Virgo: Someone will find out who you really are. You will have to kill them.

Capricorn: You will find the cure for cancer and make millions of dollars, at least, that’s what you’ll dream about while in your food-induced coma.