cdl.me

I decided to write a blog on dating tips for lonely people. I did one for fat people a while back if you are fat and want to read that instead.

You’re probably saying to yourself “But Christopher, you haven’t had a girlfriend in 4 years. You haven’t even kissed a girl in over a year. What makes you such an expert” and to that I say SHUT UP THAT’S WHY!

1. First date tips

First dates are horrifying. Going out with someone you barely know in hopes of putting your penis into them. It’s easy for a woman, you could be a horrible first date. You could throw up on the guy, cut off one of his arms then shit your pants and 90% of the time he would still have sex with you (the other 10% are secretly gay). So this section is mainly aimed at the guys.

When you go on a first date make sure to take her somewhere nice, if the place is shit she’ll think you’re cheap and never put out. Somewhere like a cheap restaurant and a movie are always good (not McDonalds, then back to your house for a movie. Unless you’re like 6 in which case it’s probably okay). On the other end make sure the place isn’t too nice or you risk paying hundreds of money on her, and she’ll come to expect it. In the immortal words of Shakespeare “You ain’t want no spoiled ass bitch eatin’ up your money and shit”.

When you’re on your first date there are certain things you should and should not do. 

You should pay for dinner. Bitches love free shit. You give her free shit. Ipso facto Bitches will love you.

You shouldn’t order for her. It’s a lose-lose. Order her a salad, she’ll think you’re calling her fat. Order her a steak, she’ll think you’re calling her fat (side note: if she is fat order her nothing. Fat bitches don’t need no food)

You should be nice, and interested in what she has to say. 9 times out of 10 her story will be boring as shit, but the more interested you seem, the more likely she’ll be to have the sex.

You shouldn’t sit on your phone the whole time. Or at all. If she did something stupid, you’ll probably have the urge to tweet it, or be tempted to check Twitter in general, but don’t. Also don’t check into Foursquare with her. If she sees it she might add you on it, then track you. YOU’LL NEVER ESCAPE!

And finally, one of the big things girls will notice when you’re on a first is your clothes so you’ll want to be dressed nice. Usually jeans and a shirt will do. Never only wear underwear. Not only will they refuse you service at the restaurant but the woman will also leave (because women are prudes).

Tune in next time for more dating tips!