cdl.me

A while ago I used to work in porn. The 3 months I wrote/acted in them I made around 600 films, ranging from The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Butthole to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (the chamber of secrets is a vagina in that one). Here is a script I wrote that was never used for whatever stupid reasons.

Scene 1

Interior: lounge room. Girl is sitting on her couch in see through lingerie. The door bell rings. She walks over to the door to answer it. She opens it to see the pizza boy there

Pizza Boy: Hi, I have a pizza for you

Girl: Does it have extra sausage? (she winks at him)

Pizza Boy: Huh? Oh no, you ordered a (checks order) vegetarian supreme? Is that right?

Girl: I did, but I meant like extra sausage like your penis

Pizza Boy: Why would they put my penis on it? Seem unsanitary

Girl: No, like, your penis is extra to put into my vagina

Pizza Boy: You want to have sex? Like now? I mean, I still have pizzas to deliver but I can come back in like half an hour or so if you want

Girl: Just leave the pizzas

Pizza Boy: HEY! I can’t do that. There are people out there who are hungry and waiting for their food. Would you have liked it if I had stopped at the last house and had sex and not bought you your pizza?

Girl: I didn’t even WANT the pizza, I just wanted some hot spontaneous sex!

Pizza Boy: Like I said, I can come back when my shifts done and plow you.

Girl: Ugh, fine

Pizza Boy: Okay. Also it’s $22.50 for the pizza

Girl: I HAVE TO PAY?!

Pizza Boy: Yeah, of course. 

Girl: Ugh, FINE! (She pulls money out of between her breasts) HERE!

Pizza Boy: Thank you.

(Pizza boy leaves. Girl goes and sits back on her couch, obviously annoyed at the events that just took place. She turns the TV on and waits. 30 minutes pass and the door bell rings again. She walks over and opens the door)

Pizza Boy: Ok, I’m back to have sex and stuff

Girl: You could at least sound excited about it

Pizza Boy: I have been working for the past 6 hours, doing nothing but driving and delivering pizzas. I’m tired as shit!

Girl: THEN WHY EVEN COME BACK!

Pizza Boy: Because you’re offering sex. I may be tired but I am also a man who will have sex with any women who asks

Girl: Well then, let’s do this

(the two start kissing. They move over the couch. The pizza Boy ripping off her clothes as they go. The door bell rings again)

Pizza Boy: Don’t tell me you ordered another pizza

Girl: Oh no, it’s a late night plumber comes to (sly voice) fix my pipes

Pizza Boy: This late at night? Seem a bit weird

Girl: I MEAN SEX

Pizza Boy: But that’s what we’re doing!

Girl: Yes, but I want two guys plowing me

Pizza Boy: No no, I did not sign up for this

Girl: Ugh, just stay there

(She walks over to the door and opens it. A plumber is standing there)

Plumber: You called for a plumber?

Girl: Are you hear to “fix my pipes” (she winks)

Plumber: Uh, yeah I guess. What’s wrong with them?

Girl: They’re all plugged up, I just need something long and hard to go in and make them better

Plumber: Yeah I can do that, just lead me to the kitchen

Girl: Oh do you want to do it in the kitchen? (she winks again)

Pizza Boy (in the distance): Dude, she wants to have sex with you

Plumber: Oh what? Really? I can’t, I’m happily married

Girl: Come on big boy, just you and me…and the pizza boy

Plumber: (laughs nervously) I’m flattered miss, but there’s nothing wrong with your pipes-

Girl: THERE IS!

Plumber: -actual pipes, not vagina pipes, I am afraid I’ll have to go

(Plumber turns around and leaves. Shortly after the pizza boy walks out too)

Pizza Boy (as he’s leaving): Yeah, I think I’ll go to. This has gotten just too weird.

(He leaves and shuts the door. Girl goes back to her couch noticeably annoyed at everything. She changes the TV and Jay Leno is heard. She goes to town on herself)

End. 

(Source: christopherdlane.com)