cdl.me

The concert (Part 1)

Thu, 31 May 2012 17:37:00 +1000

The audience waits silently for the concert to begin. A lone obese man walks onto stage, the spotlight shines down on him. He taps the microphone.

“Mic check 1, 2, 3” he repeats this over

“Mic check 1, 2, 3” and over

“Mic check 1, 2, 3” then he stops.

He stands silently as the audience watches on. Slowly, the music starts.

“RAH RAH AH AH AH”

The audience begins to scream

“ROMA ROMA MA”

Their screams intensify, shaking the concert hall

“GA GA OH LA, WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE”

Lady Gaga bursts forth from the obese mans stomach and begins to sing Bad Romance. As she dances, she whips her hair about and showers the audience in the man’s blood. They scream and rip the clothes from their bodies. They rub the blood on their bodies as Lady Gaga sings.

The song ends.

If my night was an erotic novel

Sun, 27 May 2012 00:12:32 +1000

It’s midnight as he pulls the McRib from its packaging. The BBQ sauce drips down his leopard print snuggie. His cat stares at him in disgust, so he pulls his snuggie over his head. Enclosed in his cocoon of loneliness her devours the McRib in 4 mighty bites. His heart begins to hurt, but that’s just the heart attack coming. He stands to wash his hands, but is too lazy and collapses on the floor in the lounge room where he lays for what feels like hours. Eventually he gets up and begins on his chips.

Pop culture pick up lines

Thu, 24 May 2012 19:43:01 +1000

I am not good at women, like at all. Sometimes when I see a girl who is cute I roll myself into a ball and roll away. This doesn’t mean I don’t think of amazing pick up lines, so here are some. If these get you the sex please tell me so I can live vicariously through you. Thanks.

Are you Mary Poppins? Because you’re practically perfect in every way
You remind me of Frosted Flakes, because you’re greaaaaaat
Are you a Weeping Angel, because I can’t take my eyes off you
Let’s pretend I’m Sherlock and you’re Watson and create homoerotic subtext
I’ll be Loki and make you kneel

That’s all of them. The end.

The One Where I Write A Big Stupid Blog About Why I Hate Rachel

Wed, 16 May 2012 20:46:00 +1000

I like the show Friends. It’s probably in like my top 10 favorite shows because I can rewatch it over and over again (and since it’s on so often on 111 Hits I end up watching 2 or 3 episodes a day) and the one character I super hate is Rachel.

Why do I hate Rachel? Because she is a stupid bitch is why. Look at the first episode, she runs out on her wedding and finds her old friend who she’s not spoken to in years, and then decides she is going to stay with her. Not once does she think that maybe her best friend from years ago doesn’t want anything to do with her because she’s so stuck up, but hey, in these episodes that’s her character. A self-obsessed bitch. You’d think she’d get better over the episodes but she just gets worse.

You can see how much of a manipulative bitch she is with Ross. When she first finds out he “loves” her (after he buys her a present, because she likes shiny shit) she decides to go meet him at the airport to tell him how she feels. It’s all mushy and cute and you think “Wow, Rachel is such a nice character she really cares for Ross” but Ross comes back with Julie, who he then begins dating. Sure, Rachel could be happy that the guy she supposedly now loves is in a stable and nice relationship, but NOPE, she leaves him a voicemail telling him she is “over him”. Ross, being the pathetic guy he is, decides to dump Julie for Rachel, but not before he makes a list.

Sure, making the list was stupid, but in the end he decides to end his relationship for her, and then suddenly she decides she doesn’t want him because he made a list. Bitch, you left him a drunken sloppy voicemail and you get up him for being rational and making a list? Lists are amazing as shit and help you make tough decisions. So she leaves Ross, alone, with no Julie to bone in his hour of need, and she just forgets about him. She moves onto a guy who looks like Ross which I guess was supposed to show she still loves him but all it really shows is how fucked up she is.

Eventually they get together, this time when Rachel sees a video when he was going to take her to prom, and since she loves guys who will do anything for her, they begin dating. They date for a year and everything is fine and the writers of Friends actually have to come up with good storylines that don’t revolve around their “sexual chemistry” or whatever. This goes on until Ross is scared of losing her and goes all insane and tries to surprise her at work with a picnic. She tells him he’s annoying her and she wants go on a break.

Now, I don’t know what her definition of a break is, but I think it’s a time where you take a break from the relationship to see if you even belong together. NOT FOR RACHEL THO, Rachel is a stupid bitch who, after almost banging Mark, decides she wants to go back with him. It’s too late tho because Ross decided to bang a girl who was much hotter than Rachel, so Rachel went apeshit and breaks up with him for reals.

If I was Ross here I would have gone back and banged the photocopy chick again. On Rachel’s bed. THEN LAUGHED IN HER STUPID UGLY FACE but he just acts pathetic instead.

Finally they both move on. Rachel finds a new guy to obsess over (Joshua) and Ross gets a girl through Rachel. Sure, they might both be kind of happy now, but Rachel can’t have Ross being happy, so on the last night he is with the Emily where he has planned a big romantic night of lovey shit for her, Rachel decides to ruin it so she can start banging Joshua, because she only cares about herself and no one else.

After ruining Ross’s night she eventually gets with Joshua and everything is once again fine, that is until Ross is about to get married. Rachel goes psycho, ruining her relationship with Joshua in the meantime, and eventually flies to England to ruin his marriage.

She succeeds and once he is single again she decides she doesn’t want to date him again.

I could go on and on and on about why I hate Rachel (Like when she tried to make everyone think Ross wanted to bone her but she used the story because she wanted him stuffed in her rotten old cunt) but the point is she was the worst character ever and if they ever make a Friends movie I hope it starts at her funeral.

Sometimes I put notes in peoples mailboxes

Mon, 14 May 2012 21:28:25 +1000

They say things like

You are being watched
I know you’re cheating on me
You are not living up to your full potential
You should call your mother more often
You will never find love
You left something really important at the shops
You should read more books
Are you happy with your life
Your breath smells
People are talking about you behind your back
There’s a spider in your mailbox
You shouldn’t have put off living your dreams
Your neighbor sells drugs
While you read this I snuck into your house
You will find happiness with a new love
Stick with your wife
You just stood in dog poop

I could write these forever but I will stop now.

Group work

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 17:34:59 +1000

I started uni a while ago because I thought that I should probably make something of my life and for whatever reason I decided that a piece of paper with my name on it would help me. At first it was okay because the lecturer would tell us information and then I’d do my assignments and everything was okay, until the lecturer started giving the class more and more group work to do. I checked my assignment schedule for the semester and saw that I have a group presentation due that is worth 40% which I find stupid but it’s probably why she’s making us to do so much of it lately.

Not many people know this, but I don’t like people, and even the people I do like I don’t talk to much because of my crippling social anxieties that makes me want to go crawl in a hole whenever people try to talk to me. This is all amplified when I am given group work, because I am expected to talk to people I don’t know or like about something that I just want to do alone. I work best alone when I can just zoom through whatever I’m doing as fast as I can and then check Twitter, which means lately all my group work has been me doing the entire thing while the others discuss whatever the fuck they’re discussing, and by the time they start I’m already done, and they decide to use mine and the teacher praises my groups work and I’m thinking BUT IT WAS ME I AM THE ONE WHO WROTE IT NOT THESE CUNTS!

But anyway, my point is that group work is stupid and I wish everyone was dead.

Valentines GAY

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 19:59:00 +1000

I was going to draw a bunch of cards for Valentines day but I’m lazy, so instead here are some romantic things to write in your V-Day cards:

I bought you a diamond, can I stick it in your butt now?
I promise to stop making your dog lick peanut butter off my ballsack
Roses are red, violets are blue, I want to butt fuck you.
I love you kind of, like not like love love, but I do love sticking stuff in your vagina
If you lost some weight I probably wouldn’t fantasize about cheating on you so much.
Here’s $10, buy something nice, like food. Seriously we are out of food get off your lazy cunt-ass and buy some.
If we had a safe word it would be “don’t stop” because I never want to stop loving you
I wrote a haiku. I forgot how many syllables this thing needs. Is this too many? I love you.
If you were a horse with a broken leg I’d feel kind of bad for making you into glue because of how much I love you.
anal?

Dating website chats.

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:37:00 +1000

Last week I got bored and signed up to a dating website. Everyone was so hideously ugly I decided to just correct everyone’s spelling and grammar (because when you’re sad and alone on a Friday it’s what you do). This is one of the chats I had

chrdl
1/28/2012 5:48:41 PM
Hi, I don’t want to come off as pretentious, but in your profile you
say you’re “knew to plenty of fish” when it should be “new to plenty of fish” :)

Danisf89
1/28/2012 8:54:36 PM
Righto mate. Piss off

chrdl
1/28/2012 11:36:39 PM
There’s no need for that language, it was just helpful advice. On a
website dedicated to finding you a suitable mate surely you don’t
want to come off as an idiot. It’s not like I was mean about it. I
could have easily told you every single place you forgot a comma, or
asked why you found it necessary to randomly capitalize letters in
the middle of sentence, but I didn’t. I merely corrected you on using
the wrong word in a sentence. Just an observation, but perhaps your
overly bitchy nature is what has forced you to use a dating site to
find love. It’s just a thought :)

Danisf89
1/29/2012 12:33:12 AM
Hahahahaha your seriously not ok in the head!

chrdl
1/29/2012 12:35:33 AM
What about my “seriously not ok in the head”? Oh, did you mean
“you’re” the contraction of the words “you are”? If you meant that I
can see how it makes sense, otherwise it is just confusing. Please
remember that grammar and spelling are important, you don’t want to
come across as an uneducated bitch, do you?

Danisf89
1/29/2012 1:11:51 AM
I never asked for your advice on spelling or grammar!! Instead of prof
reading everyones profile and correcting the
Mistakes why don’t you try have a normal conversation. Weirdo!

chrdl
1/29/2012 1:13:45 AM
Well I was trying to have a normal conversation. I don’t know what
social circles you are involved in, but in mine we often have
intelligent conversations and correct one-another. Being told you are
wrong is not rude, it should be taken as a way to better yourself.

Perhaps you should stop being so quick to jump to cunt mode and
instead realize when someone is being nice and trying to do you a favor.

Danisf89
1/29/2012 1:16:30 AM
There is no need for it. Good luck buddy hope you find a girl who will
tolerate your crap

chrdl
1/29/2012 1:19:53 AM
In the few messages we have sent you went from someone who looked like
they didn’t graduate primary school to someone with an almost adult
like grasp of spelling. I think I did a good job :)

Bye.

Early to bed, early to rise.

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 05:44:00 +1000

Every so often I get sick of going to bed at 6am and waking up at 3pm and decide that I am going to get back into a normal sleep schedule. This usually means that I stay up all night and go to bed early so I will wake up early. It works for a while, but after a few days of going to bed early and waking up early, my body gets sick of it and slips back into its old routine.

I think it’s because my body doesn’t like being productive. See, with my early schedule I’m usually awake, showered and dressed by 8-9am, which means for 12-13 hours I feel like I should be productive. It usually ends up with me cleaning everything, then getting bored and just sitting on the computer knowing I should be doing something, like going for a bike ride or grocery shopping or whatever it is adults do. The first day it’s fine because I can actually do all these things. Then the second day hits and everything is done. I have nothing to do so I just sit on the computer and feel like I’m wasting the day.

This is the opposite if I have my nocturnal schedule. Usually with by the time I wake up, have a shower and get dressed it’s like 4 in the afternoon and I think “Well I can’t do anything because it’s too late” so I don’t feel bad about wasting the day on the computer.

What a useless blog this was. It wasn’t even funny, so to make up for it here’s a joke.

Knock Knock

Now you say who’s there. Say it. I’m not continuing until you say it. Have you said it yet? You have? Okay good I’ll continue.

I eat mop

Ok now you say “I eat mop who”. Did you say it? HAHA IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU SAID I EAT MY POO! Haha, you’re so gross!

Saints Row Row Row Your Boat 3

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 07:28:53 +1000

I haven’t slept yet, I was up all night finishing Saints Row 3. I wasn’t going to stay up finishing it originally, I wasn’t even going to play it at all tonight; I wanted to played DC Universe Online. I downloaded it today on my PS3 and for whatever stupid reason it’s taking forever to update, which always shits me with games you download. I don’t care if there’s an update when I buy a physical copy, that’s fine, you updated something after making the CD; but with digital you can change it, because like, it’s on the Internet.

You know what else annoys me? When you go to quit games and it says “Are you sure you want to quit? (Any unsaved progress will be lost)” Why can’t it say “Do you want to save before quitting?” It would save me a lot of

“Oh shit I forgot to save *presses back, goes into menu, finds save option, click on save, click on save file, click yes I want to overwrite, finally it saves*”

So yeah, I finished Saints Row 3 and it was pretty good, but not as good as I thought it would be. I thought a game where I can beat cops to death with a dildo while running about a nude large breasted woman would be the greatest game ever made.

When the game starts it does a good job of setting stuff up so you if you haven’t played Saints Row 1 or 2 before you know what’s going on, but then once you get into it the missions are really choppy in bits, and a large portion are just a way to unlock side activities in the game, so just filler. One of the activities you drive around with a tiger. No reasoning behind it, some guy just says “Hey drive with a tiger” and so you do. Oh and some missions are just cut scenes, like, you click the missions, you drive somewhere, and then a guy sums up what you did in your last mission and then it’s over. Out of the 47 or whatever missions there are probably like 10 actual missions that further the storyline.

The ending is pretty stupid, granted I’ve only beaten one ending so the second might be better. Whoops, that was a spoiler. Don’t read that it is a spoiler!

The co-op in the game is pretty good. It lets someone just join your game and play along with you which can help. It also has a second mode called ‘Whored Mode’ which is a set of…I guess mini games would be the best thing to call them. You get a different weapon and you have to kill a set amount of people. This mode would lend itself to co-op on one TV really well, as it’s only a small amount of room to move around so both players could be on one screen, but alas, it doesn’t. I mean, it has co-op, just online and over LAN which is pretty stupid. It means if I want to actually play the game with someone in the same room as me, they have to bring a TV, PS3, and game to my house.

Overall I’d give the game like a 7 out of 10 (because I am a game reviewer now). If you find it for cheap (like $40-) then I’d buy it probably. Actually I wouldn’t because I already own it but you should.

A script I wrote.

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 17:02:18 +1000

Back in Year 12 I did Drama and one of the assignments was to re-write Blackrock by Nick Enright in a different style. My friend and I chose to write it as a comedy since no one else was, and because the teacher told us that it was a stupid idea and we would never be able to do it. WE SHOWED HER! Here’s the script, I’m planning to turn it into a major motion picture.

Scene 1:

[Stage set to look like news desk, curtains open to show Andrew sitting behind the desk. News music (Oompa Loompa song) plays]

Andrew: Welcome to the Oompa Loompa news. I’m Andrew Brabrook & I will be bringing you today’s top stories. (Shuffles papers on desk)

Firstly the biggest story of today. The rape and murder of Tracy Whoreington, whore by name whore by nature & one of the last female Oompa Loompa’s on EARTH!

(Silence for a second)

But not the universe.

(Lights gored. Andrew laughs evilly)

But back to our story. Tracy was raped right near the chocolate river. Her moans and screams were muffled out by the gentle trickling of the chocolate waterfall. That’s why Wonka chocolates are the best chocolate around.

(Pulls out Wonka chocolate from under the desk)

Wonka chocolates the best chocolates round. With a bit of Tracy in every pack.

(Opens up chocolate and pulls out some hair)

Look I won!

(Throws chocolate into the crowd)

We now have an interview with one of the two suspected rapist’s Charlie Bucket. Now let’s cross live to Sally Manally who will be interviewing Charlie Bucket.

(Other side of stage light’s up to see Charlie (Chris) entering and taking a seat next to Sally (Gillian).)

Sally: welcome Charlie

Charlie: Hello sally, glad to be here

Sally: So Charlie if that is your real name?

(Charlie jumps on the floor crying)

Charlie: OK IT’S NOT CHARLIE, MY REAL NAME IS SCOTT

Sally: AHUH! I KNEW IT. Did you rape Tracy?

Charlie: yes but it’s not my fault I thought she was a giant Jaffa

Sally: so you thought you were raping a Jaffa?

Charlie: well yeh until it started screaming but luckily the gentle trickling of the-

(Sally cuts him off)

Sally: They’ve already done that part!

(sally slaps Charlie)

Charlie: oh my bad

(Silence)

Sally: And what do you reckon about Willy Wonka being the other suspected rapist.

(Exert Pg 22)

Charlie: well it’s not what I reckon. It’s what they reckon he’s a suss-dog. A poofter.

Sally: well I suppose that’s his business, isn’t it?

Charlie: He comes in the choc factory and someone always says backs to the wall.

Sally: What else would you like to say

Charlie: Davo sprung him looking at muscle magazines up the newsagents.

Sally: Can we talk about something else?

Charlie: I’m only just warning you.

Sally: about what?

Charlie: what they reckon. He’s a queer dog.

Sally: say it properly. What you mean. Not a label. He gets all the labels. He’s a flanno. He’s a four-eyes. He’s a spock. Now he’s a queer dog. Say what you really mean.

Charlie: I’ve said! He’s a fag, they reckon.

Sally: they reckon.

Charlie: well, don’t you reckon?

Sally: Anyway…

(pauses)

you can go, now back to Andrew at the New’s desk.

(Light’s fade on sally. stage lights up on Andrew.)

Andrew: Thank you Sally. Now we will go across to Kathy at the scene of the rape.

(Lights fade projector shows news reel)

Kathy: Thank-you Andrew. I am standing at the scene where Tracy was brutally raped and murdered. As you can see from the outline of the body there are chocolate foot prints leading to and from Tracy’s body. This would be a vital clue but unfortunately both Charlie and Willy Wonka both have the same shoe size. They are currently analysing hair found at the scene to see who raped Tracy Whorington. Back to you Andrew.

(Lights fade up on Andrew)

Andrew: Thank-you Kathy; We are going to go to a quick break and will be back with the online predator preying on grandma’s.

(Lights fade down. Projector shows add of a tree)

Scene 2:

(Charlie walks up to grave stone of Tracy)

(Exert Pg 18)

Charlie: I’ll bring this song for you. Every time I come. The paper said somebody nicked your flowers. People are really off. But they’re planting a tree for you at the front of the factory. Tomorrow at lunch time. Or do you know that now?

(Kathy mumbles from under brown sheets)

Charlie: Oh my god you’re alive

(Kathy jumps up to reveal pregnant belly)

Tracy: Sure am

(Lights fade)

Scene 3:

(Exert Pg 16)

(Charlie and Willy Wonka are in the middle of the stage on a bed together)

Charlie: Come on back to sleep.

Willy: But what’s it like?

Charlie: That’s a big question for 2 o’clock in the morning. Couldn’t it wait?

Willy: I was scared. I didn’t know weather I’d had it, or it was going to happen next thing, or what.

Charlie: You go back to bed, and I promise you’ll have a better dream.

Scene 4:

(Stage set with 3 chairs in centre stage)

Gillian: Welcome everyone to Ricki Blake. Today we are here to find out the question everyone wants to know. Who is the dad of Tracy’s baby? Willy Wonka or Charlie Bucket. Now let’s welcome in Tracy.

(Tracy enters stage right and sits on a chair)

Gillian: Welcome Tracy. Now who do you hope the father is?

Tracy: Um..

(Pauses)

I’d prefer Willy because Charlies only 13 and I am 18 so Willy would be the better father

(Pauses)

Plus he is rich.

Gillian: Yes I’d probably prefer that too. Now lets bring out Charlie

(Charlie enters stage right)

And Willy

(Willy enters stage left)

(Charlie and Willy glare at each other evilly before sitting down. They fight over who gets to sit next to Tracy. Charlie ends up getting the chair)

Gillian: Welcome Charlie and Willy.

Charlie: Hello Ricki

Willy: Helloooo

Gillian: So Charlie we’ve all heard your side of the story but we’ve yet to hear Willy’s side.

Willy: And you never will

Gillian: But I am sure everyone wants to know why you raped her.

Willy: because I can, I was bigger then her it’s the circle of life.

Gillian: O…

(Pauses)

…k well we have the results now.

(pulls out an envelope)

And the father is

(Drum roll)

(Pauses)

Oh my god… it’s both of you

Charlie: WHAT!?

Willy: How is that possible?

Tracy: Oompa Loompa’s have 2 wombs.

Willy: Holy fudge

Charlie: I am too young to be a father

Ricki: you should have thought about that before you raped her

(Lights fade)

Scene 5:

(Scene set to look like a news desk)

Andrew: Hello and welcome to the Oompa Loompa news. Today’s top story Tracy Whoreington the girl who was raped and murdered is alive and pregnant!! And exclusive to this station we have a amateur video of what happened on the night.

(Clip plays)

(lights fade on stage)

(Scene set with empty beer cans on the ground. (Music plays))

(Kathy and Gillian are dancing in middle stage)

(Charlie (Andrew) taps Kathy on the shoulder and leads her off stage whispering in her ear) (Lights go up)

Andrew: What a little ska…

(Realises he’s back on)

Well um

(Pauses)

We also have the clip from one of her relatives when he took his own life because he thought Tracy was dead.

(Lights fade, clip of suicide plays)

Andrew: We added the sound effects to make it less tragic and it worked lets see it again.

(Clip plays again)

Andrew:

(Laughs)

How funny

(Wipes tears from eyes)

Lets see it once more.

(Clip plays again)

Andrew:

(Laughs)

Again, Again

Voice off stage: NO!

Andrew: Fine

(laughs again)

He died. Now we have Tracy and Willy coming in with their new baby. Unfortunately Charlie’s baby died

(says off stage)

Do we have a clip for that.

VOS: NO!

Andrew: Aww

(Tracy and Willy walk out with a baby and sit down next to Andrew)

Andrew: Welcome and what a cute baby

Willy: Thank you

(Gillian runs with a hood covering her face and stabs the baby)

Tracy: WHY GOD, WHY?!

(Awkward pause)

Andrew: Oh well join in tomorrow to find out who killed Tracy’s baby.

(Curtains close)

THE END

SPIDER STORY

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 01:34:00 +1000

About an hour ago I went into the bathroom to wash my hands. I often go in there to wash my hands so this was a normal thing to do, what wasn’t normal was the GIANT FUCKING SPIDER ON THE WALL!

I walked into the bathroom to wash my hands, and on the wall was a big fuck-off sized spider (Read: bigger than my hand) on the wall. It was one of those spiders that is so big it actually has a face. I mean, they all do, but it’s face was big enough to see it.

So anyway, being the man I am, I screamed and ran to get some insect spray. I grabbed my weapon as I went back to the bathroom to fight my eight legged foe.

I opened the door and spotted him, I aimed the spray and sprayed him in his stupid face for probably ten seconds until he fell off the wall and onto the floor with a loud THUD!

I assumed he was dead, so I shut the door of the bathroom and hopped on my way back to the computer to waste more time. An hour or so passed and I decided it was time I go to bed, so as always I went to the toilet, and afterwards went to wash my hands. I opened the door and there was the spider. He had moved now, but I knew it was him. Sitting there on the wall as if to say “Hey man, I know you sprayed me in the face with poison, but I’m fucking immortal! FUCK YOU FAGGOT HAHAHAHA!”.

I would not stand for his insolence. I shut the door so he wouldn’t escape and set back out to get my insect spray, knowing this time he would DIE!

I ventured back into the bathroom, again with my weapon. I opened the door and SPRAYED HIM AGAIN IN HIS STUPID UGLY SPIDER FACE!

He did not like this. While still attached to the wall he raised his front legs, as if wanting to fight. I was not scared, I was a man with a large can of poison. NOTHING COULD STOP ME! I continued spraying and spraying, the spider still in attack position and then…he fell. He fell off the wall and into the bathtub.

I wish I could say I went to look if he died, but I didn’t. I shut the door and ran screaming like a woman down the hall hoping he wasn’t still alive and that somehow he had learned to use door knobs.

I am about to go back in to see if he is dead. Wish me luck.

UPDATE:

I went back into the toilet to check if it has died, but as I was checking the Facebook chat sound went off. I got scared by the sudden noise so I switched off the light, shut the door and ran away faster than I have ever done anything before in my life. I’m just going to run on the theory it’s dead and try to go to sleep.

I left a note on the door “To whom it may concern, there is a giant spider in the bathroom. I sprayed it in the face with insect spray but that just made it mad. BE CAREFUL! Insect spray in in the toilet” and I drew an arrow in case they forget where the toilet is, so hopefully no one in the house dies…or if they do I hope they kill the spider at the same time because, like, I need to shower.

I love cats. The end.

Sat, 12 Nov 2011 13:10:28 +1000

I was reading a blog by the super wonderful Vanessa and she said she hates cats because they’re ugly and would eat you if you died but that’s one of the reasons I love cats.

See, I plan to grow old alone. I am a horrible person who will never find love, I know this. Being a horrible old person I will surround myself with thousands of cats. Okay, not thousand. Maybe like 20 or something. I will love my cats, and when I die which will be in my house alone, I want them to eat me. There will be no food left, so I want all my cats to eat me. That will sustain them for a little while, and eventually they’ll get hungry again and be forced to eat each other. Slowly the weakest of the cats will be picked off one by one until there is only one cat left. One insane cat that has tasted the flesh of the innocent and loves it.

With this kitty’s new found blood lust and strength he (or she) will burst through the window of the house and go on a murder rampage. Murdering and eating everyone in his/her path until he/she is the last living thing left on Earth!

Then he/she will die of hunger. The main point is, my cat will destroy all life on Earth, and that’s what all I have ever wanted.

I love cats.

Things that shouldn't be around because it's 2011

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 18:55:17 +1000

It is 2011, I know this because that’s what my phone says. Since we are so far in the future these are things that I don’t understand why they still exist.

Books

Why are there still books? This doesn’t make sense when we have kindles and iPads and those stupid Motorola tablets. Every day when I’m checking one of the webcomic/blogs I read I see “I AM MAKING A BOOK” why? it does not make sense. I get you want to support yourself, but why not release an eBook like a person from 2011.

I like to read. Sometimes I read 3 or 4 words at a time, but I don’t want to lug books around when I want to read them. I have been reading books on my iPad for like 4 months and now when I pick up a normal book it’s like I’m in the 1700’s and I get confused and I enslave my black neighbors and I get arrested and really it would just be better if all books were eBooks.

DVDs

My sister bought a DVD yesterday and the first thing I thought was WHY?! That’s stupid. You could easily download (legally or illegally) the movie at DVD quality in like a few minutes.

Plus it’s so much easier if you have something to stream them to your TV. YOU NEVER HAVE TO GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR TO CHANGE THE MOVIE! LIKE, EVER!

Shops

I’m not 100% sure of this because I last left the house 3 years ago, but apparently there are still shopping centers around. That makes no sense when you can buy everything you want online. You might now be saying “But what about clothes? How will I try on clothes before buying them?” Well Mr. Genius Face, if you don’t leave the house you don’t NEED clothes. I haven’t worn pants in so long that I’m not even sure how they work anymore.

Movie Theaters

I went to the movies a few weeks ago (“BUT CHRISTOPHER YOU SAID YOU HAVEN’T LEFT THE HOUSE IN 3 YEARS!” HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME TELL MY STORY!) and I wondered why I was there. Why aren’t we able to download movies straight away? IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL! GIVE ME MY MOVIES NOW YOU SLUTS!

Human Interaction

WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO HANG AROUND PEOPLE WHEN THERE’S THE INTERNET AND I CAN JUST SIT HERE AND STARE AT PICTURES OF CATS OKAY I DON’T WANT TO BE NEAR YOU OR YOUR STUPID FACE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

a horror story

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 20:12:39 +1000

Today is halloween so here is a scary story.

Our story begins Scaryville, a town like any other, only this town was built on an Indian burial ground.

It was a normal night in Scaryville. The streets were empty, lights were off in all the house and everyone was asleep. That is, everyone except Arthur. Arthur was a 12 year old boy with scruffy black hair and blue eyes. He was smaller than most kids his age, and a little odd. While most 12 year olds in Scaryville liked innocent things, puppies and the like, Arthur had always taken an interest in gore. This often lead to other kids, and occasionally parents being scared of him.

Now why was Arthur awake you might ask? Well as with every night, Arthur was going to search for the monster of Scaryville. For years there were stories that a monster haunted the town which lead to most citizens not going outside past 8p.

Arthur wasn’t scared this monster, or any monster. He knew monsters weren’t real. He loved the idea that they existed, but he could never bring himself to believe it. So out his window he went, and he set off into the forest just like he did every night for the past 2 weeks.

After almost an hour of walking Arthur found an opening in the forest. This was the same place he came to every night to sit and wait for the monster. He decided that if nothing happened that night he would just give up. So he sat and waited, and waited. While he waited he fell asleep. He woke up from the sun shining in his eyes. He jolted awake, scared his parents would find him gone. He jumped up and realized his clothes were covered in blood. He was frightened, he didn’t know where the blood came from. He heard a noise in the bushes. He didn’t stick around to see what it was, he ran home.

After almost an hour of running Arthur returned home. He wanted to collapse, but he knew he had to get inside and change his clothes before his parents woke up. He opened the door to his house, and there inside was his parents remains. There skin had been torn off, their guts had been chewed at. Arthur got scared. He ran to his neighbors. He knew his parents being dead and him covered in mysterious blood wouldn’t go over well, but he was too scared to think clearly. He banged on his neighbors door. No answer. He decided to just go in. He opened the door and inside was his neighbors. There faces had been torn off.

Arthur was becoming more and more frightened. He ran through the town screaming for help, but no one came. He sat on the sidewalk. The blood he was covered in had dried. He didn’t know what was going on. Everyone must be dead. He was covered in blood. He started to wonder if he was the monster. He needn’t wonder for long because as he was thinking a big ass monster ate his face off and he died!

But I mean, that’s the risks you take when you move to a place called Scaryville.

THE END.

A blog about Minecraft

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 01:47:00 +1000

I bought Minecraft a week or so ago, I think. To be honest it could have been years ago. It has pretty much dominated what little life I had. Anyway, tonight as with any other night I was playing on a multiplayer server and mining cobblestone.

While mining in my mine with my mining tool I heard zombies. I ran through my mine but couldn’t find them. The sound seemed to be coming from one particular room so I dug down a few blocks and I found a hole with zombies in it. I used my sword to slay them, but more kept coming at me. I killed them continuously while moving forward through this random pit. A quick walk from where I came I found the dungeon where the zombies where spawning. I’ve heard of dungeons before, but usually I just build on the surface and never go down because the dark scares me, and this dungeon reminded me why.

The dungeon was a simple room. Probably 8 x 8, a few chests where in the room and in the middle was a cage. In the cage was a baby pig. The baby pig was on fire. The baby pig was on fire and spinning in circles. The baby pig was on fire spinning in circles while squealing.

Yes, the area where zombies, or undead humans spawn is a ritualistic baby pig sacrifice. WHO THE FUCK SACRIFICED THIS BABY PIG AND WHY WOULD THEY!

And to make it just that more fucked up, in the chests where saddles that could be used to ride a pig on the land. Yes, not only did someone sacrifice a baby pig but now they expect me to go ride its parents! DO THEY THINK I AM SOME KIND OF MONSTER!

So anyway, I went back on land and rode pigs

The Types Of Tweeters

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 18:30:52 +1000

The Political Nerd:

If anything political happens, be it a protest in Libya, The gay marriage bill, or just a good ole’ joke at Julia Gillard’s expense they’re there to tweet about it. They’re the tweeter whose tweets you don’t read, but just skim over and mainly follow because you’ve followed them so long it would just be awkward.

The Day-To-Day-Tweeter:

The most common kind of Tweeter, they’re timeline will be filled with “Off to works”s and “HOME TIME YAY!”. Their tweets stay so similar every day it’s like they want someone to memorize their schedule and kidnap them away from their sad lives.

The Comedian:

The number of these Tweeters is growing more and more every day. You know the kind, the ones whose timelines are just shitty puns and jokes on current events. The kind that you can tell grew up in a house with no love so now they tweet jokes, constantly refreshing Favstar hoping that just maybe someone favorited their tweet and that by amassing enough trophies they’ll finally win the approval of their parents.

The Link Nerd:

Trouble somewhere in the world? America’s credit downgraded again? They’ll link to it before it even happens. The type of Tweeter who is constantly on news sites just waiting for something big enough to break so they can tell their followers as fast as they can. It’s recommended you never follow more than one of them.

The @Replier:

Tweet about having lunch, they’ll reply. Tweet about a parent dying, they’ll reply. @replying someone else, they’ll jump into the conversation. They @reply to absolutely anything but it’s never interesting. They’re the Twitter equivalent of a kid screaming “LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!”

The Live Tweeters:

If a new show is premiering, they’ll be there; Twitter launched and ready to go. While normal people are home with friends or family to hear their comments on the show, they’re home alone and they’ll be DAMNED if they’ll let their witty remarks go to waste. Their timeline will be filled with “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! #event” and “Ugh, can he just shut up #event”. Stay away from them at all costs.

The Vague Tweeter:

“Wish he’d just tell me” “It happened again” These and many more vague tweets will be found on this person’s Twitter. Wondering what they’re talking about? Best not @reply them, or they’ll scream at you saying it’s private.

The #Hashtag Abuser:

This tweeter seems fine at first, it’s not until you follow them for a while you realize they’re tweets are full of hashtags. Now I’m not talking about the person who puts hashtags at the end of tweets for events or topics, I’m talking about the “What a fun day this has been #lol #notreally #itwasstupid” where they use hashtags to say what they really mean. Thankfully they’re usually 12, so you can avoid them.

The Every-Social-Network-Ever Tweeter:

One of the most annoying Tweeters. They think that Twitter is a social dumping ground rather than a micro-blogging site. They’re timeline is filled with Foursquare checkins, Tumblr posts, they’ve even got it set up to tweet their Internet history! Best to avoid.

The Retweeter:

The only Tweeter you will ever need to follow. Their timeline is a list of all of the above tweeters retweeted with comments attached. “Lol RT:”s and “+1”s will be abundant. Incredibly annoying, or a time saving follow? You decide.

The rules of Football.

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 01:10:00 +1000

This weekend was the grand finals of the football and I noticed a lot of the people I follow on Twitter had no ideas of the rules. So I am here to tell you the rules and origins of Football.

Now you might be saying “But I don’t want to know the rules of football before I know how football came to be”. You might also be saying “This is some good porn I enjoy the lighting” I don’t know what you’re saying. I don’t have cameras installed in your house…okay I do, but they don’t have sound. WOAH OFF TOPIC! So how did Football come to be? LIKE THIS!

It was the year 1329 and Sir Poonanie Vaginial was developing something that could be used for games for children. He was trying to make something round, but alas his first attempt came out shaped like an egg. He threw it in the thrash but because of it’s odd shape it bounced away and ended up at a near by farm for down syndrome children. They began fighting over who would sit on the egg until it hatched. Sir Poonanie Vaginial, seeing this decided to develop a game based around trying to get an egg to hatch. After hundreds of attempts he settled on going back to using a ball, and getting it from one end of a field to the other. He tried to test it out on the down syndrome kids but by this time they had all eaten each other, so he instead went to the local pub to get some drunkards to try out his game. It was a great success with them and thus, Football was born!

So what are the rules of Football? They are quite easy to learn. Here are the basics

Each team needs 20 people on it, and only 10 can go on the field at once. This is often the biggest hindrance in the game as most people who play football can’t count so there are often hundreds of people on the field (and in the case of the great Scottish football debacle of 1812 16.7 million, and 12 goats). Once they get the correct amount of people on field the game begins. The team with the ball has to get it to the other end of the field, while team b has to stop them by any means necessary as long as it doesn’t involve a weapon. If either team gets the ball to the side they have to get to they get a score point. Once they get a score point they have to kick the ball between the score pads and if it goes through they get another score point. Unlike golf the team with the most points at the end of the game wins. The winner then gets to ritualistically sacrifice a member of the opposite team and feast upon his heart gaining his strength.

And now you know everything you need to know about Football!

Tips for picking up womens.

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 14:52:00 +1000

I am what you would call a lady’s man, well you would if it was opposite day…wait no then I’m a man’s man. Scratch all that, here are just some ways to pick up the lady folk.

1. The phony foreigner

This is fairly simple. Introduce yourself to a girl, become her good friend and after a few months/years say that you aren’t an Australian citizen and you’re being forced to move back to your country unless you get married. Taking pity on you she will agree to marry you. Once she marries you admit you were lying and that she is forced to stay with you forever and hopefully she will fall in love with you eventually. If not there’s always cold emotionless sex which is probably pretty alright.

2. The lesbian

Go to a lesbian bar dressed as a woman. It doesn’t matter if you’re a rather manly man as most lesbians look like men. Start chatting up a girl and mention needing a roommate and asking her to move in. Lesbians love moving in on the first date, so naturally she will go straight back to your house and have sex. You have to be crafty disguising your penis for this one, but I find painting it purple usually makes it look like a strap-on. Once the sex is finished RUN RUN RUN! If the lesbian finds out she was wronged she will murder you as lesbians are crazy.

3. The roofie

Go to a club and chat up a girl like you normally would. When she isn’t looking roofie her drink. Once she’s knocked out take her into the club bathroom and give her a makeover. Fix her hair, put on nice makeup, maybe even change her clothes into something nicer. When she comes to she will be so appreciative of what you did for her she will have sex with you.

4. The gay friend

This is similar to number 1, but while being her friend you have to convince her you’re gay. This may include making out with guys when she’s around so it should be saved for only super attractive girls/if you haven’t had sex in a while. Once you gain her trust as her gay friend say that you are confused as to whether you like girls or guys as you have never been with a girl before. She will most likely have sex and even if she doesn’t you will probably have seen her naked while being her gay friend so it’s basically a win-win.

5. The prostitute.

Pay a prostitute for sex.

Dear future girlfriend

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 11:54:51 +1000

Here are a few things I think my future girlfriend should know

1. No touching

Let’s get this out of the way first. I don’t like being touched. No hugs. No handshake. No kissing me. No nothing. You probably have cooties and I do not want them. Yes this also applies to sex. I don’t want your dirty vagina cooties on my penis.

2. No talking

I don’t like to talk I like to sit in silence and play video games. You can play two player with me sometimes but most of the time I will be playing alone.

3. No going out

I don’t want to leave the house. Outside scares me, I want to stay inside and eat food forever. You can go out if you want, I don’t care, just don’t make me go.

4. No bitching at me

Don’t yell at me if you’re having a bad day. I don’t respond to yelling and will probably whip myself off a building if you do, then you will be responsible for my death and on my tombstone it’ll read “Killed himself because his girlfriend was being a little bitch” but if that’s what you want then go right ahead

5. No being a guy in disguise then announcing years into our relationship that you are a man hoping that my love will have grown towards you and that I’ll continue loving you no matter what

I am incapable of love, this will not work.