cdl.me

Famous people always have exciting lives. They write about them in their biographies. I have a boring life. This could hinder my career at somehow being famous for something, so I decided to try to make my life sound more interesting.

If I ever do become famous and have a wikipedia page, this can all be cited as 100% true facts.

Chapter 1. My Childhood

I was a relatively normal child. From the age of 1 months until 4 years old I spent it like any other boy. I spent time working on my time machine, wrote a few songs for Micheal Jackson, and slept with my share of the ladies. When I turned 4 I decided to start taking my life serious. The first step was going to kindergarten.

It was fun, but I only went one day. I’d say I got bored with it, but I got kicked out. The teacher got annoyed when I turned her down. Of course she said it was because I was “unruly and disruptive” but I knew the truth. When I left I bid her farewell, and took my painting smock with me. I’d grown fond of it. It was a purple hippo. That shit was, in the words of Shakespeare “banging gee”.

After that day I decided the hell with kindergarten and continued my research in advanced quantum-physical transdimensional hyper science (it’s a very hush hush science field developed by Einstein and Hitler in the 1900’s).

I continued that for 2 years until I went to grade school. I still remember the first day. When I got out of the car I immediatly realized how ugly everyone was. I begged my mother to put me in a private school, but she said that if I wanted to write my thesis on “The mating habits of the bogan” I would have to put up with public school. In the name of science I sucked it up and went to my first class.

I walked in and put all my stuff away as instructed and took a seat. The teacher rambled on about things I’d learned at age 2, and then gave us a work sheet.

The next 7 school years were average. Besides bringing a dinosaur back to life and putting the finishing touches on my hover car, it was pretty boring. I went on my way to high school.

Chapter 2. The teenage years

When I went to high school I had already finished my paper of bogan mating habits so there was no real reason to go to public school. Unfortaunetly I had run out of money funding my research of genetically engineered prostitutes so I had no choice but to go to public school again.

Grades 8 through 10 was fairly normal. I built a robot using spare computer parts for a science experiment (which I only got a B+ for. Apparently if you project rips the arm off a teacher it’s “not worth an A” even if that’s what it was programmed to do).

Grade 11 was a fairly big turning point in my life. It was the year I went into space for the first time, and also when I got my first official girlfriend. After she sucked the life out of me turning me into a bitter husk of anger and despair I began my musical career under the name “Lady Gaga”. After a year of touring I began getting behind on school work. I decided to give up on my career.

The record label I was signed to didn’t like this, so I was forced to hand over the name of “Lady Gaga” to a homeless drunk I found peeing on my van one night.

I eventually caught up on school work and year 11 was over. Over the school break I decided to grow my hair out. Wearing the blonde wig while being Gaga had given me a love for longer hair.

Year 12 then began, and so did my career as an undercover agent for the SSAC. My first assignment was unfortaunetly working at the local supermarket. See I can’t divulge who it was, I will say it rhymed with Poles, and everyone who works their tends to be incredibly ugly and up themselves.

The end to be continued in a future post.

This is my extremely well thought out life plan. It took me almost 10 minutes to write, but

it is FLAWLESS!!

Step 1: Get a job next year.
Step 2: Get license.
Step 3: Save.
Step 4: Move to Brisbane or Sydney.
Step 5: Marry a supermodel.
Step 6: Make her pay all the bills.
Step 7: Be a house husband and raise my 2 Asian children
Step 8: Sell them to a sweat shop for more money.
Step 9: Divorce my wife.
Step 10: Get a lot of money in the settlement.
Step 11: Fund my comics.
Step 12: Get good and work for Pixar.
Step 13: Write the script for Toy Story 4.
Step 14: Make more money.
Step 15: Buy Pixar.
Step 16: Sell it to Microsoft for billions.
Step 17: Use the money to buy an island.
Step 18: Name it Christopia.
Step 19: Build a house.
Step 20: Make myself my own nation where I am king.
Step 21: Marry again and have an heir to the thrown.
Step 22: Start a war with France.
Step 23: America will help.
Step 24: I will gain their trust and become president.
Step 25: Abolish democracy.
Step 26: Turn the USA part of Christopia where I will be king.
Step 27: Claim war on England.
Step 28: Win and take them over.
Step 29: Repeat until I own the world.
Step 30: Sell all but Christopia to martians for zillions.
Step 31: Retire on my island, knowing my future generations will be better off.

END!

This happened a few years back, and I don’t even think it can be considered a prank. A friend was sleeping over, she woke up before me and was gabbing on with my sister. When I eventually woke up and walked out of my room she said (conversation found on old computer, spelling and grammatical errors fixed)

Her: You going to straighten your hair

Me: No

Her: Why not, it looks shit

Me: I don’t care, you’re the only one here

Her: It looks shit tho, straighten it

Me: Fuck off, I don’t want to!

Her: Do it!

Me: FINE!

I then go into the bathroom, noticing my straightener’s gone

Me: Where’s my straightener?

Her: I hid it

Me: K then

Her: Do you want to know where it is

Me: Not really

Her: Then you’ll never have it again

Me: I have another one, I’ll just use that

Her: FIND IT

Me: Fine *looks unenthusiasticly* where is it?

Her: I hid it in Alex’s (My sister) underwear

Me: So now I’m going to get aids getting it back?

Her: Yep

Me: Well then I don’t want it back, she can have it

Her: Fine I’ll get it for you *walks into room, while in there I steal her make up bag*

Her: Here it is…where’s my make up bag?

Me: I hid it, you’ll have to find it

Her: *punches me in the arm* give it back or I’ll do it again

Me: You suck

THE END!

And the moral of the story is short people are cruel assholes.

I was just in the shower as I do when stink lines start to form, and I started thinking “I wonder if there is somehow to tweet from the shower” because I have no life at all, so little of a life in fact I am going to blog about the tweets I would’ve sent in the shower.

ChristopherLane Turning on the shower, hurrah for being clean #SHOWER

ChristopherLane Fuck, the water’s cold. I’ll adjust it #SHOWER

ChristopherLane SUNNAVABITCH Now it’s hot and I burnt myself #AssholeShower

ChristopherLane Water’s all good. Now to put some shampoo in my luscious locks #SHOWER

ChristopherLane Lather, rinse, then repeat. Always repeat #Showering #SimpsonsQuote

ChristopherLane FUCKING SHAMPPO IN MY EYE HOW AM I EVEN SENDING THIS TWEET AH FUCK #ShampooFUUUUUUUU

ChristopherLane Fuck you edge of the bathtub. You hurt my toe. Apologise right now! #SHOWER

ChristopherLane Conditioning time, la la la #SHOWER

ChristopherLane Just realized I’m sending these naked and wet, just like your mum last night #SHOWER

ChristopherLane I wish I had a rubberduck in here, I should buy one #RubberDuckieyouretheoone #Youmakebathtimeohsofun

ChristopherLane Shower over, now to change my colostomy bag #SHOWER

ChristopherLane Dear colostomy bag, stop ripping off the various hairs that surround you. It hurts me #SHOWER

Christopher BAM changed, now to go on the computer and write a blog about the tweets I would’ve sent in here #SHOWER

Uh…yeah, I have a sad life. Sad, sad life. Luckily it can be made better with icecream and ice magic on top.

When I was younger (not sure how young, maybe 12/13) I was shopping with my Mum. My Uncle tagged along as well, and we were all there, just walking around the store, loading up baskets with food. At a certain point the baskets became to heavy, and we had around 3. The trolleys were the ones you had to put money in, and you get it back once you return it. I being the nice young lad I was decided to go get my Mum a trolley, so it would be easier for her.

I went outside, my own $2 in hand, and fidgeted around with the trolley. I had no idea how you put the money in; that’s when 3 black kids (they were about 14/15) came over and offered to help me. I, being the trusting young lad I was, said “sure, OK” and handed them my $2. They began to fidget with the trolley, and slowly one boxed me out, so I couldn’t see anything. Next thing I know all 3 are running off with my $2 in hand. I was shocked. I was technically just robbed of my $2.

I went back in the shop, and Mum asked where I’d been. I told her what had happened, and My Uncle said some profanities, then ran outside. I followed. He asked which way they went and I pointed out the direction, then ZOOM he was off. He chased them for a good 5 minutes, during which time one of them threw of their shoes to run faster.

We didn’t catch them, but my Uncle did take the discarded shoes and throw them into 2 separate drains.

The thing that has perplexed me all these years is why throw off your shoes; which surely cost more then $2; just to keep the $2. The only thing I have come up with is shoes can’t buy drugs.

So, throughout my life many things that I can not explain have happened. I can not explain them because when they happen, I tend to run away like a chicken shit woman into my bed and hide under the covers for a million years. My theory is nothing can harm you underneath blankets because they’re actually made of unicorn fur and orphan skin (side not: unicorn fur and orphan skin combined is the strongest thing ever when combined. Try it today!)

There was the one time I thought I saw a gnome in my backyard (it looked exactly like this http://youtu.be/q0fPoH2gWzc so much so that watching that video gives me nightmares)

Then in my new house, I was going to the toilet once; it was the middle of the night and as I was walking back into the room, I looked down the hallway and swear I saw something white and ghostly turn and look at me. Then it felt like it was gliding towards me so I ran in the room, slammed the door, locked it (fearing the ghost thing could open doors) then climbed under the covers and hid there until I eventaully fell asleep. Ever since then whenever I go to the toilet at night I avoid looking down the hallway. Times I have I’m sure I see the same thing again, and everytime I lunges at me. I think it’s only there because I thought I saw it once, so my mind replays the fear over and over again.

Anoter time when trying to fall asleep I heard voice in my head. You know how sometimes you hear voices in your head, so you try to control what they say to make sure it’s actually just you in your head? No? I’m the only one, well OK then. Anyway, this time I heard a voice of a guy. It sounded like one of those old black jazz guys from the 50’s or whenever they were abundant. I forget what he said, all I remember is he would try to talk to me. He always said my name, but I would think of other things to try to stop the voice. I heard it for about a week. Occasionally the voice will come back, along with weirder voices. Occasionally flashes of faces that I’ve never seen before. Sometimes I think it’s ghosts, or dead people trying to contact me; usually I just think I’m going crazy and in a few years I’ll be in a mental asylum, leaing in a cushioned room screaming about the demon ghost gnome who talks to me.

Other paranormal things that have happened to not me, but my family have been; that once my cousin saw our great grandma come into her room, sit on her bed and tell her everything was ok. Another time my little cousin said a man told her that if we didn’t sleep with our lights on he would kill us (she was only 3 at the time). Plus my Aunts a “psychic” and does police investigations for American cops, and people who wants answers. She has millions of stories that freak me out.

I guess the point of this is, I am a pussy who is still scared of the dark so I sometimes sleep with a lamp on.

So this person I know, think their name is Jade Craven has a blog. Small time. Not big at all *SARCASTICCOUGHMEANINGSHEHASABIGBLOGBIGGERTHENYOURMUMSPENISCOUGH*

ANYWAY, she did this “14 facts about me because I am sooooooooooo cool like OMGZ!” (that might not be the title but I don’t care because I hate your Mother)

SO I thought I would also do one as detailed as hers, AS DETAILED! HERE IT IS!

(Also check out Mr_Billiam’s post 5 things you probably know about me)

1. I was born to a magical family My Mother is a genie and my Father is a unicorn prince

Yes, this is indeed true. My Mother is a magical genie, and my Father is a unicorn prince from the kingdom of Unicornia. They met at a Magix meeting, and fell in love. Then from pure magical chemicals radiating from their bodies, I instantly appeared, I had been born. This is the reason I am like 1 bajillion times more awesome then you. In fact, the word awesome was actually created just as a way of describing me, YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN! How? Easy

2. Coming from a magical family I have certain magical powers

I have a large range of magical powers. Listing them would take ten million years! I know because I once listed them, then came back in time. Unfortaunetly I left the list in the future. I could’ve written another one but I didn’t want to spend another 10 million years writing because my hands was kind of hurting from it. Basically, if you can imagine a superpower, I have it. I even have the power to create a sandwich with only the words “BITCH MAKE ME A SAMMICH!”.

3. I am actually 20 foot tall

But I shrink myself so I will fit in. Last time I went to Tokyo in my green shirt they started shouting I was God-Zilla or something. I assumed these words meant GOD OF AWESOME! But it turns out they thought I was a dinosaur. They made a movie about it tho so you know, there’s that

4. Once I skinny dipped in the Loch Ness river water thing. Now they think a monster lives in there

My dong is that big, yes…ladies ;)…ok I made it grow with my magical superpowers. SHUDDUP! Your Mum didn’t complain

5. I have been in every single movie ever made

You know that one guy in the movie whose kind of in the back, but is blurry. You think you’ve seen him before? Yeah, it’s me. I have been in every single movie that has ever been made. Even porn. Sometimes I shrink myself down and sit on peoples shoulders. I was on Johnny Depps shoulder in Sweeney Todd, telling him the lyrics when he forgot them.

6. I was the inspiration for the Mona Lisa

So me and Da Vinci were getting drunk this one time, and I put on a wig, and was all “OOOH I’M A PRETTY LADY!” and he’s like “THAT SHIT’S SO FUNNY! I GOTTA PAINT THAT FUCKER!” so he did. I kept laughing so he’s like “FUCK YOU I’LL PAINT YOU NOT SMILING AT ALL!” Man, it was like the most epic night ever

7. I once punched Chuck Norris in the arm and he cried like a little bitch for 24 hours straight

I was at a party, and I saw him so I was like “Yo, you’re Chuck Norris right?” and he’s all “OMGZ YOU’RE CHRISTOPHER LANE I FUCKING LOVE YOU!” and he tries to kiss me, so I’m like FUCK THIS and punched him in the arm, and HE CRIED! Not even a manly cry (if there is such a thing) it was a little womanly cry. Then he ran away. Later I found out he also pissed himself from fright. Now me and my posse call him pissy woman cryer.

8. I taught Jesus how to walk on water

Or rather, I did it for him. People were starting to doubt he was the son of God, so he was like “Christopher, thou hast to helpeth me. You must create a mricale of such brilliance the world believes my lies!” So I’m all “That’s cool, I’ll walk across some motherfucking water” so I dressed up like him and walked across water. I could’ve taken credit, but he said if I did he wouldn’t pay for the whores we had the night before, and it didn’t have any old timey money.

9. I also created the Earth

It was just yesterday actually. Got bored and wanted to see how the world began. Went back and it was just this big black nothing. I couldn’t see so I lit a mtach and then BOOM! everything exploded. It was the biggest bang I ever heard. Then the Earth was created. So in a way, I am actually God. Feel free to praise me/send me gifts of money

10. I told Hitler how to style his hair

First off, you might think “WHY DIDN’T YOU TRY TO STOP HIM?!” and I did! I couldn’t tho. He was immune to my powers, since he himself was born into a magical family (found out later I am his father after screwing his Mother. Told her to get an abortion but the doctor talked her out of it)  BUT I didn convince him that the mustache would look good, look iconic. Didn’t tell him he looked like a complete douchebag. I still laugh about it

11. I own a unicorn farm

Really it’s just my dads familys parent, but I do take their eggs and sell them to the gnome people of the mushroom kingdom to make my pants.

12. I am what Willis was talking ‘bout.

Once during a taping of Diff’rent strokes, I was talking to the kid who played Willis, I told him all about the future. Later he told Gary Coleman all about it, and he uttered “What you talking ‘bout Willis?” The director loved it and said to keep it in the show.

13. I own all the money in the world

It’s how I make all my extravagant purchases without having a job. I just go into a store and make the cashier pay, since I own all the money in the world. ALL THE MONEY! I won it in a card game against Donald Trump, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates

14. I am immortal

I will never die. One day it will seem like I’ve died, but it is merely an act I need to give off every 80 or so years so people won’t realize I am a mortal. Also, I don’t age. I just put on the appearance so people won’t go “HOW CAN YOU BE 10,001,498 years old! You look 20!” And for the record, I am 10,001,498. 2 more years until the big 1-0-0-0-1-5-0-0. I was however, only born 1,500 years ago. I am ten million years older because of my list I made (see fact 2)

END OF LIST!

So a lot of people have been asking how I came about twitter…wait no one has asked that at all. I’m just bored and thought it was a (not even slightly) exciting story.

It was a dark day, many a year ago (2 to be exact, well almost 2 anyway) and I was on Pete Wentz site. Back then I was still into the whole bebo/myspace thing (read: being lame) and noticed on his site he had a twitter. I had heard of twitter, but didn’t quite know what it was. It was an elusive thing. No one could sum it up. I decided I would make one. See what it was.

I logged onto the site. It asked me for a username. I thought long and hard, and came up with something original; christopherlane, which is my name. I know, an insane amount of thought went into it. Then I began tweeting. I remember it asked “what are you up to right now” and I put “watching law and order” as I was watching law and order at the time.

The next step was to get an iPhone application, since this was the time the iPhone was new to me (one month old) and I enjoyed apps. I downloaded twinkle or something, it was a location based twitter app. It showed the tweets of everyone around me using the app. Luckily people did actually use it. Those people were: @irudis, @Danielbaird, @tsvnq, and @mr_billiam. They are what began my venture into twitter.

At first I knew nothing of twitter. About following, about @replying, nothing. It took me a month or two to get the hang of it. Once I realized it was just a place to ramble non sensically about anything I was doing, I used it more, and more until I became a TWITTER GOD! Or a guy who has no life, whichever you choose.

After that I began following a bunch of people, and it went from there. Somehow more people found me, and it’s been awesome. I sometime wonder what my life would be like without Twitter. Probably would be just me talking to myself all day…not that I ever did that, or do that now…*cough*

Next time: How I will kill the bastard who stole all my neopoints. I had like a bajillion. Pissed me off.

I’m the king of doing shitty lists about myself, so here’s another one:

1. The first memory I can remember is when I had just turned 2. I was at my house that was being built and I was looking at it. It’s oddly more vivid then most of my other memories.

2. I went to kindergarten for one day. At the end of the day I cried because I wanted my painting smock back. I never went back because I said it was boring since none of the kids could talk but me.

3. I read my first novel before in preschool. By novel I mean a goosebumps book.

4. In grade 4 I got a distinction in a high school science competition.

5. This list has become about how smart I was as a child

6. I’m grade 2 up until grade 8 I wanted to be a forensic scientist. I studied science online and memorized most of the periodic table.

7. Once I started drama and art in school I found my love for creating.

8. When I was 3-4 I used to draw people as just heads with arms and legs; no bodies.

9. Then once I hit year 10 I found out how awesome physics were. I only studied it for a semester tho before dropping it for an easier subject. I still read up on the stuff now and then.

10. My first job was in a service station. I had it for 5 weeks before being fired when I told them I had another job.

10 points. That’s usually what I do. Back to gossip girl.

So I’m laying here, trying to sleep and as I do, I was thinking about things that have happened to me. Lately a lot of stuff has revolved around jobs, mainly me not being able to sign a phone contract since I lack one; and I started to think back to when and why I left my last job. Basically it went like this; it was around 3 maybe 4 years ago. I had just transferred from the Willows store to the Centro (Coles). When I started I had long black hair, with thick pink streaks through it. It was my “cool” phase I guess you could say. Anyway, before I could transfer I had to go for a short mini-interview just to say why I was shifting stores and stuff like that. During that I asked “so is my hair ok? Or should I cut and colour it?” the manager said “Oh it’s fine” Flash forward a year and a bit after that. I was on registers. I had cut my hair to a respectable length as to not “offend” the dipshit customers and my boss, the same one I talked to said ” get a haircut or don’t come back” Now you’ll think now “so you left because you didn’t want a haircut?” but oh contrare (is that right?) I did. I cut my hair fairly short. The day I was scheduled to go back in, show the boss my hair and continue working, I thought to myself; why should I take such shit, and work at a place, I truly didn’t like. I’d always wanted to get out. Take a year or two off to work on my art skills, and this was it. Needless to say, I never went in that day. They rang a few weeks after that but I ignored their calls, and that’s how I quit my second job. Next time, my first job, what was it?

-Christopher Lane

P.S I realize I rambled a bit in this, but it’s late. Also, my blog, my rules.