Christopher Lane; Proper Noun; A Male born in Australia who enjoys art, reading, and the internet.
Eg. Christopher Lane writes this blog.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
Last week I got bored and signed up to a dating website. Everyone was so hideously ugly I decided to just correct everyone’s spelling and grammar (because when you’re sad and alone on a Friday it’s what you do). This is one of the chats I had
chrdl
1/28/2012 5:48:41 PM
Hi, I don’t want to come off as pretentious, but in your profile you
say you’re “knew to plenty of fish” when it should be “new to plenty of fish” :)
Danisf89
1/28/2012 8:54:36 PM
Righto mate. Piss off
chrdl
1/28/2012 11:36:39 PM
There’s no need for that language, it was just helpful advice. On a
website dedicated to finding you a suitable mate surely you don’t
want to come off as an idiot. It’s not like I was mean about it. I
could have easily told you every single place you forgot a comma, or
asked why you found it necessary to randomly capitalize letters in
the middle of sentence, but I didn’t. I merely corrected you on using
the wrong word in a sentence. Just an observation, but perhaps your
overly bitchy nature is what has forced you to use a dating site to
find love. It’s just a thought :)
Danisf89
1/29/2012 12:33:12 AM
Hahahahaha your seriously not ok in the head!
chrdl
1/29/2012 12:35:33 AM
What about my “seriously not ok in the head”? Oh, did you mean
“you’re” the contraction of the words “you are”? If you meant that I
can see how it makes sense, otherwise it is just confusing. Please
remember that grammar and spelling are important, you don’t want to
come across as an uneducated bitch, do you?
Danisf89
1/29/2012 1:11:51 AM
I never asked for your advice on spelling or grammar!! Instead of prof
reading everyones profile and correcting the
Mistakes why don’t you try have a normal conversation. Weirdo!
chrdl
1/29/2012 1:13:45 AM
Well I was trying to have a normal conversation. I don’t know what
social circles you are involved in, but in mine we often have
intelligent conversations and correct one-another. Being told you are
wrong is not rude, it should be taken as a way to better yourself.
Perhaps you should stop being so quick to jump to cunt mode and
instead realize when someone is being nice and trying to do you a favor.
Danisf89
1/29/2012 1:16:30 AM
There is no need for it. Good luck buddy hope you find a girl who will
tolerate your crap
chrdl
1/29/2012 1:19:53 AM
In the few messages we have sent you went from someone who looked like
they didn’t graduate primary school to someone with an almost adult
like grasp of spelling. I think I did a good job :)
Bye.
Here are a few things I think my future girlfriend should know
1. No touching
Let’s get this out of the way first. I don’t like being touched. No hugs. No handshake. No kissing me. No nothing. You probably have cooties and I do not want them. Yes this also applies to sex. I don’t want your dirty vagina cooties on my penis.
2. No talking
I don’t like to talk I like to sit in silence and play video games. You can play two player with me sometimes but most of the time I will be playing alone.
3. No going out
I don’t want to leave the house. Outside scares me, I want to stay inside and eat food forever. You can go out if you want, I don’t care, just don’t make me go.
4. No bitching at me
Don’t yell at me if you’re having a bad day. I don’t respond to yelling and will probably whip myself off a building if you do, then you will be responsible for my death and on my tombstone it’ll read “Killed himself because his girlfriend was being a little bitch” but if that’s what you want then go right ahead
5. No being a guy in disguise then announcing years into our relationship that you are a man hoping that my love will have grown towards you and that I’ll continue loving you no matter what
I am incapable of love, this will not work.
Last night I finished reading Bossypants (it’s Tina Fey’s autobiography for those of you who are stupid and/or dumb) but this isn’t a review about that, it’s my review of eBooks. WHAT A TWIST, RIGHT?!
Bossypants was the first eBook I bought and read all the way through. When iBooks first came out I did download a few of the free books, but I never read them. Mainly because the iPhone screen is too small to read a book, but now that I have an iPad (BRAG BRAG BRAG) I thought I’d use it for something other than cutting rope and feeding candy to some creature thing.
I’m not sure why I chose Bossypants to read. I was just staring at iBooks thinking of something to read, and then I remembered Tina Fey had a book out. I do so very like her. So I bought it. It cost $20. TWENTY DOLLARS! That’s almost as much as a real actual book. I was thrown by the price at first and I thought about just going to buy the book at a store but it was 10pm and I wasn’t wearing pants so I couldn’t, so I just decided to throw caution to the wind! (Yes, I am quite the dare devil…ladies)
Once I started reading I liked it. I was able to lay down and read a lot easier than if I was reading a book, plus I was able to stop once in a while and quickly check Twitter which was good, but also a distraction.
One of the biggest downs to it was that since I didn’t want to take my iPad into the toilet with me I couldn’t read while I poop. I like to read while I poop, but even without the extra reading/pooping time with the book, I still finished it faster than I do with most books, which I think was because I constantly had it with me where as with a book I usually just leave beside the toilet to read while I’m pooping (You thought the pooping part was over, but now it’s back! MORE POOP!)
When I finished the book the first thing I thought was “That was good, I should buy it” then I remembered I did buy it. My brain is still wired to want the physical copies of books. It doesn’t want the physical copies of music or movies. Maybe it’s because I’m pretentious and want to display my books like trophies “WHY YES, PEASANT, I HAVE READ ALL THOSE BOOKS! MARVEL AT MY ABILITY TO READ AND SACRIFICE VIRGINS IN MY HONOR!”
In the end tho, I probably will buy more digital copies of books. They’re easier to buy and read. Also, because in the future there will be no more paper because trees will be extinct. Also we will all live on the moon!
The End.
P.S READ BOSSYPANTS BECAUSE IT IS AMAZING
P.P.S I created a Facebook page for this blog. If you could like it that would just super-fabulous CLICK HERE
Gemini: Today will be a good day for everyone except you. Nothing will go right for you. More than likely you’ll end up being killed by a falling piano, which when you think about it is a cool way to die, so maybe things are looking up for you.
Libra: There will be a flood in your workplace, luckily you are super-absorbent and will save the day. Your boss will give you a gift card for $20 at Coles for your hard work.
Aquarius: You will finally lose your virginity today to your mothers 60 year old cancer-ridden friend.
Cancer: Those tic-tacs your coworker has been given you have actually been cyanide pills. How you’ve lasted this long I don’t know.
Scorpio: You read your diet book wrong. Instead of losing weight you’ve actually been creating a potion that will turn you into a demon that will feed on the souls of children. Oops.
Pisces: What’s that smell? Oh, it’s you. Today would have been a good day to shower since you will run into your high school girlfriend who is rich and wanted you back.
Aries: Stop having sex with animals.
Leo: You’ll accidentally take a midget home from the shops instead of your child.
Sagittarius: After a night of hard drugs and alcohol you’ll kill your neighbor thinking he is a zombie.
Taurus: Today you will meet someone special. Not special in the “fall-in-love” way, as in mentally handicapped. When your friend dies he leaves his down-syndrome to you to care for. Hilarity ensues.
Virgo: Someone will find out who you really are. You will have to kill them.
Capricorn: You will find the cure for cancer and make millions of dollars, at least, that’s what you’ll dream about while in your food-induced coma.
It’s Valentines day (or as lonely people call it “OH GOD WHY AM I SO ALONE?!” day). I, being the master of seduction that I am, have decided to give you all some pick up lines that will 60% of the time work every time.
There you go, now go forth and have intercourse meaningful relationships.
Christmas is just around the corner, and by just around the corner I mean I saw my drug dealer around there earlier. His name is Christmas, which is a bit weird, but I’m not one to judge. Anyway, here’s a story about Christmas!
About 2,000 years ago a woman got pregnant. She didn’t want to her boyfriend to know she was pregnant, so she said it was God’s baby. She paid 3 guys to come to a manger where she was giving birth to be all like “Ooooh, look at that baby it’s like God’s and shit”. Each of them bought gifts. One brought Gold, one bought a CD of Cher, and the other bought some Frankenberries.
That night she gave birth to the person we all know as Santa. Then the Easter Bunny came along and gave him a chocolate egg or something. OH, and there was this kid playing the drums too.
So remember, the holidays aren’t just about presents…well they are, but presents for me.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
I find it stupid how our self-worth and various other things of our lives are tied to whether or not a person returns out feelings of lust. It’s a very large flaw in human emotions, so I, along with scientists are coming up with a super human that acts the same as many animals.
For a few months a year the human female will be in heat, any male who is near will immediately jump her. If the child is born deformed the mother eats it. I think this is an amazing idea, as babies are great in a lot of dishes…
I forgot the point of this blog. Point is; babies are delicious and I won’t rest until I can eat them without being called an inhuman monster and being chased with pitch forks.
Welcome to a brand new series of blogs called “History Lessons” where I will teach you the true history of everything. Most of the things you think you know are all lies, people don’t want you to know the true origins of a lot of things, so that’s where I step in. Enjoy.
The origin of the hotdog:
Everyone likes hotdogs. They’re easy to make when you’re home alone for the 4th Saturday night in a row and you’ve eaten all the icecream in your freezer, I mean, sure you could go out and buy more icecream, but you’ve lost the will to put on clothes after that stupid whore cheated on you with 4 guys in one night. YOU CAN’T FUCKING BLAME ALCOHOL FOR THAT YOU SLUT! So…anyway, yeah, hotdogs are great, but do you know the origins?
Back in the 1700’s or whenever the fuck the great depression and plague and all that shit was, people were running low on food. Since everyone had a hunting dog to catch things with they decided to just eat the dogs. After eating all but 3 of the towns dogs they know they’d still need them to catch other animals. They didn’t know what to do; they were all hungry, but if they ate the last of the dogs they’d have no way to catch any other animals.
One of the towns folks spoke up “What if we just eat the dogs penis, I mean, he doesn’t need it to catch other animals”. Everyone agreed this was an amazing idea so they cut off the first dogs penis and each took a bite. It was horrible. Truely the most digusting thing they ever ate. They ended up eating the dog, leaving only 2 dogs. “I’ve got it!” said another townsfolks “Let’s shove it in some bread, and smother it in crushed tomato to mask the horrible taste!”
Hundreds of years later and hotdogs are still one of the most popular food items out there. Of course, they’re no longer made of dogs penis, but the name Hotrandompiecesofleftovermeatprocessedintosomesortosfsausagelikefood doesn’t sound as good.
Until next time!
I have spent most of the night trying to figure out a plausible way to take over the world. Sure, in the past I have come up with ways to be an evil dictator by living my life but never a flat out plan.
So I sat down and started writing; wondering how I would do it. I read up on all the past evil dictators. From Hitler to Oprah, learning their secrets. Once I did that I played the sims. I used it as a simulation for my plans. I thought I had a plan with “make everyone get in a pool then remove the ladder”. When I threw and infant in my pool it seemed to work, but once I tried it with an adult they got out quite easily.
After I disposed of the infants I threw in the pool, I went back to work. I thought I could use Oprahs technique of giving away free stuff. I walked around to my neighbours giving them free infants. A few restraining orders later I checked the text off as a dunce.
Next was the Hitler approach. I decided to pick a group of people that everyone hates and begin killing them. I decided to pick the most annoying group I could, the “Beliebers”, unfortaunetly I already knew killing infants didn’t work so I was back to square 1.
Hours of research, simulation, and hundreds of dead infants later, I have my plan. Be warned, the plan is such an advanced level of intellect that some of you may not understand it. Don’t fret, you will continue flipping burgers in my Utopia.
The Plan.
Step 1:
Take over the world using kittens. No one can harm a kitten, so as long as I am covered in kittens at all times, no will touch me.
Yes, I know; pure genius. The only flaw I can see is if someone tries to stop me while also wearing kittens…that’s a fairly big flaw. Scrap that plan now. I need a new one. I’ll be at my desk figuring this out if anyone needs me.
Famous people always have exciting lives. They write about them in their biographies. I have a boring life. This could hinder my career at somehow being famous for something, so I decided to try to make my life sound more interesting.
If I ever do become famous and have a wikipedia page, this can all be cited as 100% true facts.
Chapter 1. My Childhood
I was a relatively normal child. From the age of 1 months until 4 years old I spent it like any other boy. I spent time working on my time machine, wrote a few songs for Micheal Jackson, and slept with my share of the ladies. When I turned 4 I decided to start taking my life serious. The first step was going to kindergarten.
It was fun, but I only went one day. I’d say I got bored with it, but I got kicked out. The teacher got annoyed when I turned her down. Of course she said it was because I was “unruly and disruptive” but I knew the truth. When I left I bid her farewell, and took my painting smock with me. I’d grown fond of it. It was a purple hippo. That shit was, in the words of Shakespeare “banging gee”.
After that day I decided the hell with kindergarten and continued my research in advanced quantum-physical transdimensional hyper science (it’s a very hush hush science field developed by Einstein and Hitler in the 1900’s).
I continued that for 2 years until I went to grade school. I still remember the first day. When I got out of the car I immediatly realized how ugly everyone was. I begged my mother to put me in a private school, but she said that if I wanted to write my thesis on “The mating habits of the bogan” I would have to put up with public school. In the name of science I sucked it up and went to my first class.
I walked in and put all my stuff away as instructed and took a seat. The teacher rambled on about things I’d learned at age 2, and then gave us a work sheet.
The next 7 school years were average. Besides bringing a dinosaur back to life and putting the finishing touches on my hover car, it was pretty boring. I went on my way to high school.
Chapter 2. The teenage years
When I went to high school I had already finished my paper of bogan mating habits so there was no real reason to go to public school. Unfortaunetly I had run out of money funding my research of genetically engineered prostitutes so I had no choice but to go to public school again.
Grades 8 through 10 was fairly normal. I built a robot using spare computer parts for a science experiment (which I only got a B+ for. Apparently if you project rips the arm off a teacher it’s “not worth an A” even if that’s what it was programmed to do).
Grade 11 was a fairly big turning point in my life. It was the year I went into space for the first time, and also when I got my first official girlfriend. After she sucked the life out of me turning me into a bitter husk of anger and despair I began my musical career under the name “Lady Gaga”. After a year of touring I began getting behind on school work. I decided to give up on my career.
The record label I was signed to didn’t like this, so I was forced to hand over the name of “Lady Gaga” to a homeless drunk I found peeing on my van one night.
I eventually caught up on school work and year 11 was over. Over the school break I decided to grow my hair out. Wearing the blonde wig while being Gaga had given me a love for longer hair.
Year 12 then began, and so did my career as an undercover agent for the SSAC. My first assignment was unfortaunetly working at the local supermarket. See I can’t divulge who it was, I will say it rhymed with Poles, and everyone who works their tends to be incredibly ugly and up themselves.
The end to be continued in a future post.
