cdl.me

It’s midnight as he pulls the McRib from its packaging. The BBQ sauce drips down his leopard print snuggie. His cat stares at him in disgust, so he pulls his snuggie over his head. Enclosed in his cocoon of loneliness her devours the McRib in 4 mighty bites. His heart begins to hurt, but that’s just the heart attack coming. He stands to wash his hands, but is too lazy and collapses on the floor in the lounge room where he lays for what feels like hours. Eventually he gets up and begins on his chips.

I am not good at women, like at all. Sometimes when I see a girl who is cute I roll myself into a ball and roll away. This doesn’t mean I don’t think of amazing pick up lines, so here are some. If these get you the sex please tell me so I can live vicariously through you. Thanks.

• Are you Mary Poppins? Because you’re practically perfect in every way
• You remind me of Frosted Flakes, because you’re greaaaaaat
• Are you a Weeping Angel, because I can’t take my eyes off you
• Let’s pretend I’m Sherlock and you’re Watson and create homoerotic subtext
• I’ll be Loki and make you kneel

That’s all of them. The end.

I like the show Friends. It’s probably in like my top 10 favorite shows because I can rewatch it over and over again (and since it’s on so often on 111 Hits I end up watching 2 or 3 episodes a day) and the one character I super hate is Rachel.

Why do I hate Rachel? Because she is a stupid bitch is why. Look at the first episode, she runs out on her wedding and finds her old friend who she’s not spoken to in years, and then decides she is going to stay with her. Not once does she think that maybe her best friend from years ago doesn’t want anything to do with her because she’s so stuck up, but hey, in these episodes that’s her character. A self-obsessed bitch. You’d think she’d get better over the episodes but she just gets worse.

You can see how much of a manipulative bitch she is with Ross. When she first finds out he “loves” her (after he buys her a present, because she likes shiny shit) she decides to go meet him at the airport to tell him how she feels. It’s all mushy and cute and you think “Wow, Rachel is such a nice character she really cares for Ross” but Ross comes back with Julie, who he then begins dating. Sure, Rachel could be happy that the guy she supposedly now loves is in a stable and nice relationship, but NOPE, she leaves him a voicemail telling him she is “over him”. Ross, being the pathetic guy he is, decides to dump Julie for Rachel, but not before he makes a list.

Sure, making the list was stupid, but in the end he decides to end his relationship for her, and then suddenly she decides she doesn’t want him because he made a list. Bitch, you left him a drunken sloppy voicemail and you get up him for being rational and making a list? Lists are amazing as shit and help you make tough decisions. So she leaves Ross, alone, with no Julie to bone in his hour of need, and she just forgets about him. She moves onto a guy who looks like Ross which I guess was supposed to show she still loves him but all it really shows is how fucked up she is.

Eventually they get together, this time when Rachel sees a video when he was going to take her to prom, and since she loves guys who will do anything for her, they begin dating. They date for a year and everything is fine and the writers of Friends actually have to come up with good storylines that don’t revolve around their “sexual chemistry” or whatever. This goes on until Ross is scared of losing her and goes all insane and tries to surprise her at work with a picnic. She tells him he’s annoying her and she wants go on a break.

Now, I don’t know what her definition of a break is, but I think it’s a time where you take a break from the relationship to see if you even belong together. NOT FOR RACHEL THO, Rachel is a stupid bitch who, after almost banging Mark, decides she wants to go back with him. It’s too late tho because Ross decided to bang a girl who was much hotter than Rachel, so Rachel went apeshit and breaks up with him for reals.

If I was Ross here I would have gone back and banged the photocopy chick again. On Rachel’s bed. THEN LAUGHED IN HER STUPID UGLY FACE but he just acts pathetic instead.

Finally they both move on. Rachel finds a new guy to obsess over (Joshua) and Ross gets a girl through Rachel. Sure, they might both be kind of happy now, but Rachel can’t have Ross being happy, so on the last night he is with the Emily where he has planned a big romantic night of lovey shit for her, Rachel decides to ruin it so she can start banging Joshua, because she only cares about herself and no one else.

After ruining Ross’s night she eventually gets with Joshua and everything is once again fine, that is until Ross is about to get married. Rachel goes psycho, ruining her relationship with Joshua in the meantime, and eventually flies to England to ruin his marriage.

She succeeds and once he is single again she decides she doesn’t want to date him again.

I could go on and on and on about why I hate Rachel (Like when she tried to make everyone think Ross wanted to bone her but she used the story because she wanted him stuffed in her rotten old cunt) but the point is she was the worst character ever and if they ever make a Friends movie I hope it starts at her funeral.

They say things like

• You are being watched
• I know you’re cheating on me
• You are not living up to your full potential
• You should call your mother more often
• You will never find love
• You left something really important at the shops
• You should read more books
• Are you happy with your life
• Your breath smells
• People are talking about you behind your back
• There’s a spider in your mailbox
• You shouldn’t have put off living your dreams
• Your neighbor sells drugs
• While you read this I snuck into your house
• You will find happiness with a new love
• Stick with your wife
• You just stood in dog poop

I could write these forever but I will stop now.

I started uni a while ago because I thought that I should probably make something of my life and for whatever reason I decided that a piece of paper with my name on it would help me. At first it was okay because the lecturer would tell us information and then I’d do my assignments and everything was okay, until the lecturer started giving the class more and more group work to do. I checked my assignment schedule for the semester and saw that I have a group presentation due that is worth 40% which I find stupid but it’s probably why she’s making us to do so much of it lately.

Not many people know this, but I don’t like people, and even the people I do like I don’t talk to much because of my crippling social anxieties that makes me want to go crawl in a hole whenever people try to talk to me. This is all amplified when I am given group work, because I am expected to talk to people I don’t know or like about something that I just want to do alone. I work best alone when I can just zoom through whatever I’m doing as fast as I can and then check Twitter, which means lately all my group work has been me doing the entire thing while the others discuss whatever the fuck they’re discussing, and by the time they start I’m already done, and they decide to use mine and the teacher praises my groups work and I’m thinking BUT IT WAS ME I AM THE ONE WHO WROTE IT NOT THESE CUNTS! 

But anyway, my point is that group work is stupid and I wish everyone was dead.

Last week I got bored and signed up to a dating website. Everyone was so hideously ugly I decided to just correct everyone’s spelling and grammar (because when you’re sad and alone on a Friday it’s what you do). This is one of the chats I had

chrdl
1/28/2012 5:48:41 PM
Hi, I don’t want to come off as pretentious, but in your profile you
say you’re “knew to plenty of fish” when it should be “new to plenty of fish” :)

Danisf89
1/28/2012 8:54:36 PM
Righto mate. Piss off

chrdl
1/28/2012 11:36:39 PM
There’s no need for that language, it was just helpful advice. On a
website dedicated to finding you a suitable mate surely you don’t
want to come off as an idiot. It’s not like I was mean about it. I
could have easily told you every single place you forgot a comma, or
asked why you found it necessary to randomly capitalize letters in
the middle of sentence, but I didn’t. I merely corrected you on using
the wrong word in a sentence. Just an observation, but perhaps your
overly bitchy nature is what has forced you to use a dating site to
find love. It’s just a thought :)

Danisf89
1/29/2012 12:33:12 AM
Hahahahaha your seriously not ok in the head!

chrdl
1/29/2012 12:35:33 AM
What about my “seriously not ok in the head”? Oh, did you mean
“you’re” the contraction of the words “you are”? If you meant that I
can see how it makes sense, otherwise it is just confusing. Please
remember that grammar and spelling are important, you don’t want to
come across as an uneducated bitch, do you?

Danisf89
1/29/2012 1:11:51 AM
I never asked for your advice on spelling or grammar!! Instead of prof
reading everyones profile and correcting the
Mistakes why don’t you try have a normal conversation. Weirdo!

chrdl
1/29/2012 1:13:45 AM
Well I was trying to have a normal conversation. I don’t know what
social circles you are involved in, but in mine we often have
intelligent conversations and correct one-another. Being told you are
wrong is not rude, it should be taken as a way to better yourself.

Perhaps you should stop being so quick to jump to cunt mode and
instead realize when someone is being nice and trying to do you a favor.

Danisf89
1/29/2012 1:16:30 AM
There is no need for it. Good luck buddy hope you find a girl who will
tolerate your crap

chrdl
1/29/2012 1:19:53 AM
In the few messages we have sent you went from someone who looked like
they didn’t graduate primary school to someone with an almost adult
like grasp of spelling. I think I did a good job :)

Bye.

Every so often I get sick of going to bed at 6am and waking up at 3pm and decide that I am going to get back into a normal sleep schedule. This usually means that I stay up all night and go to bed early so I will wake up early. It works for a while, but after a few days of going to bed early and waking up early, my body gets sick of it and slips back into its old routine.

I think it’s because my body doesn’t like being productive. See, with my early schedule I’m usually awake, showered and dressed by 8-9am, which means for 12-13 hours I feel like I should be productive. It usually ends up with me cleaning everything, then getting bored and just sitting on the computer knowing I should be doing something, like going for a bike ride or grocery shopping or whatever it is adults do. The first day it’s fine because I can actually do all these things. Then the second day hits and everything is done. I have nothing to do so I just sit on the computer and feel like I’m wasting the day.

This is the opposite if I have my nocturnal schedule. Usually with by the time I wake up, have a shower and get dressed it’s like 4 in the afternoon and I think “Well I can’t do anything because it’s too late” so I don’t feel bad about wasting the day on the computer.

What a useless blog this was. It wasn’t even funny, so to make up for it here’s a joke.

Knock Knock

Now you say who’s there. Say it. I’m not continuing until you say it. Have you said it yet? You have? Okay good I’ll continue.

I eat mop

Ok now you say “I eat mop who”. Did you say it? HAHA IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU SAID I EAT MY POO! Haha, you’re so gross!

It is 2011, I know this because that’s what my phone says. Since we are so far in the future these are things that I don’t understand why they still exist.

Books

Why are there still books? This doesn’t make sense when we have kindles and iPads and those stupid Motorola tablets. Every day when I’m checking one of the webcomic/blogs I read I see “I AM MAKING A BOOK” why? it does not make sense. I get you want to support yourself, but why not release an eBook like a person from 2011.

I like to read. Sometimes I read 3 or 4 words at a time, but I don’t want to lug books around when I want to read them. I have been reading books on my iPad for like 4 months and now when I pick up a normal book it’s like I’m in the 1700’s and I get confused and I enslave my black neighbors and I get arrested and really it would just be better if all books were eBooks.

DVDs

My sister bought a DVD yesterday and the first thing I thought was WHY?! That’s stupid. You could easily download (legally or illegally) the movie at DVD quality in like a few minutes.

Plus it’s so much easier if you have something to stream them to your TV. YOU NEVER HAVE TO GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR TO CHANGE THE MOVIE! LIKE, EVER!

Shops

I’m not 100% sure of this because I last left the house 3 years ago, but apparently there are still shopping centers around. That makes no sense when you can buy everything you want online. You might now be saying “But what about clothes? How will I try on clothes before buying them?” Well Mr. Genius Face, if you don’t leave the house you don’t NEED clothes. I haven’t worn pants in so long that I’m not even sure how they work anymore.

Movie Theaters

I went to the movies a few weeks ago (“BUT CHRISTOPHER YOU SAID YOU HAVEN’T LEFT THE HOUSE IN 3 YEARS!” HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME TELL MY STORY!) and I wondered why I was there. Why aren’t we able to download movies straight away? IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL! GIVE ME MY MOVIES NOW YOU SLUTS!

Human Interaction

WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO HANG AROUND PEOPLE WHEN THERE’S THE INTERNET AND I CAN JUST SIT HERE AND STARE AT PICTURES OF CATS OKAY I DON’T WANT TO BE NEAR YOU OR YOUR STUPID FACE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

Today is halloween so here is a scary story.

Our story begins Scaryville, a town like any other, only this town was built on an Indian burial ground.

It was a normal night in Scaryville. The streets were empty, lights were off in all the house and everyone was asleep. That is, everyone except Arthur. Arthur was a 12 year old boy with scruffy black hair and blue eyes. He was smaller than most kids his age, and a little odd. While most 12 year olds in Scaryville liked innocent things, puppies and the like, Arthur had always taken an interest in gore. This often lead to other kids, and occasionally parents being scared of him.

Now why was Arthur awake you might ask? Well as with every night, Arthur was going to search for the monster of Scaryville. For years there were stories that a monster haunted the town which lead to most citizens not going outside past 8p.

Arthur wasn’t scared this monster, or any monster. He knew monsters weren’t real. He loved the idea that they existed, but he could never bring himself to believe it. So out his window he went, and he set off into the forest just like he did every night for the past 2 weeks.

After almost an hour of walking Arthur found an opening in the forest. This was the same place he came to every night to sit and wait for the monster. He decided that if nothing happened that night he would just give up. So he sat and waited, and waited. While he waited he fell asleep. He woke up from the sun shining in his eyes. He jolted awake, scared his parents would find him gone. He jumped up and realized his clothes were covered in blood. He was frightened, he didn’t know where the blood came from. He heard a noise in the bushes. He didn’t stick around to see what it was, he ran home.

After almost an hour of running Arthur returned home. He wanted to collapse, but he knew he had to get inside and change his clothes before his parents woke up. He opened the door to his house, and there inside was his parents remains. There skin had been torn off, their guts had been chewed at. Arthur got scared. He ran to his neighbors. He knew his parents being dead and him covered in mysterious blood wouldn’t go over well, but he was too scared to think clearly. He banged on his neighbors door. No answer. He decided to just go in. He opened the door and inside was his neighbors. There faces had been torn off.

Arthur was becoming more and more frightened. He ran through the town screaming for help, but no one came. He sat on the sidewalk. The blood he was covered in had dried. He didn’t know what was going on. Everyone must be dead. He was covered in blood. He started to wonder if he was the monster. He needn’t wonder for long because as he was thinking a big ass monster ate his face off and he died!

But I mean, that’s the risks you take when you move to a place called Scaryville.

THE END.

I bought Minecraft a week or so ago, I think. To be honest it could have been years ago. It has pretty much dominated what little life I had. Anyway, tonight as with any other night I was playing on a multiplayer server and mining cobblestone.

While mining in my mine with my mining tool I heard zombies. I ran through my mine but couldn’t find them. The sound seemed to be coming from one particular room so I dug down a few blocks and I found a hole with zombies in it. I used my sword to slay them, but more kept coming at me. I killed them continuously while moving forward through this random pit. A quick walk from where I came I found the dungeon where the zombies where spawning. I’ve heard of dungeons before, but usually I just build on the surface and never go down because the dark scares me, and this dungeon reminded me why.

The dungeon was a simple room. Probably 8 x 8, a few chests where in the room and in the middle was a cage. In the cage was a baby pig. The baby pig was on fire. The baby pig was on fire and spinning in circles. The baby pig was on fire spinning in circles while squealing.

Yes, the area where zombies, or undead humans spawn is a ritualistic baby pig sacrifice. WHO THE FUCK SACRIFICED THIS BABY PIG AND WHY WOULD THEY!

And to make it just that more fucked up, in the chests where saddles that could be used to ride a pig on the land. Yes, not only did someone sacrifice a baby pig but now they expect me to go ride its parents! DO THEY THINK I AM SOME KIND OF MONSTER!

So anyway, I went back on land and rode pigs