cdl.me

Here is a blog about my sister (Alex) and my trip to Brisbane and the Gold Coast.

Day 1 (4th May):

I woke up at 8:30a, half forgetting why I had to get up and wanting to go back to bed. Once I remembered it was for my flight I leaped out of bed and showered. Once I’d gotten dressed and made sure I had everything in my bag it was time to leave.

We got to the airport earlier than I needed to be, so there was a bit of waiting around. After a while the plane finally took off and we were on our way to Brisbane.

We got to Brisbane airport around 1:10p. By the time we got our bags and ran to the train it had just left, so there was more waiting. Thankfully we didn’t have to wait too long and we were at central within a half hour.

When we got to central station our first stop was to get a slurpee and something to eat. After we got that we headed to our hotel. Unfortunately it is up hill, and at the end there is a giant set of stairs to climb. We made it halfway up the stairs before deciding to sit down and eat (since neither of us had eaten yet) and then continue on.

When we finally got to the hotel it was such a relief. First thing I did was kick off my pants and lay on the bed. After a while it got a bit boring tho, so we decided to go to Queen Street mall to look around. It got boring, and since by then we were both hungry again we headed back to the hotel.

Once we got back, I kept almost falling asleep, so I decided it was time to order tea. Alex and I went down and ordered. Once we ate, I lied down on the bed and read for a while. Then I fell asleep.

Day 2 (5th May)

I woke up at 9a after a fairly good sleep. I lazed around the motel room for a while before I decided to shower and head out to Queen street mall since Alex wanted to find shoes and a dress for the Katy Perry concert. After a few hours of walking around (and getting lost in the process) she finally found stuff she liked.

We grabbed lunch and headed back to the hotel, where I just lied around until I got ready for the concert and took a taxi to the Brisbane entertainment centre.

When we got to the entertainment centre it was incredibly packed. After pushing through hordes of fat girls we got to the door to go in. We sat for a while before the first band (Zowie) came on (which I don’t understand. I payed to come see Katy Perry, not some unknown bands who no one except hipsters care about. I wonder if they ever feel like they’re just piggybacking on someone else’s fame to get big). They were alright. Sort of a cross between Paramore and Paramore with a bit of electro thrown in.

The second act was a DJ skeet skeet, who I assume only came on as a way for them to set up the stage for Katy, since he took up so little of the stage and the rest was dark. He was shit and since he was just remixing song’s and there’s no real talent needed, it made me wonder why he was there. He also kept repeating “y’all still alive put there?” and “BRISBANE!” as a way to get the crowd “pumped’. This also made the slutty girl I’m front of me dance. I wanted to kick them.

When DJ shit shit finally got off stage, I was proven wrong. He wasn’t on stage just so they could set up since after he was on there was an intermission. It made me wonder why the ticket didn’t say

“7:30p Shitty bands and shitty DJ

“9p Katy Perry”

It would have saved me getting there early and pushing my way through fat people.

Katy Perry did eventually come on. The concert began with a mini movie, trying to set the concert up as a story which was pretty good. The use of media was pretty nice too. She had 5 monitors that would show a different angle of the story. When she did finally come on stage, every girl in the audience screamed, so I was sure I’d go deaf. She began singing. She started with Teenage Dreams and then went into other songs off her newest album. Throughout the mini movie would play, telling more of the story.

Later she sang songs from other people (Rhianna, Rebecca Black, Willow Smith) which was pretty good. I was kind of relieved when it was over tho. Something about a room with screaming girls makes me angry.

When we finally got home it was after midnight, the walk home had been A LOT colder than Townsville so I was tired and cold. Once I got to my bed I collapsed and slept.

Day 3 (6th May):

I woke up early so I could shower and get dressed before we had to check out of the hotel. I checked I had everything and we headed for the train station so we could go to the Gold Coast.

When we got on the train I kept falling almost falling asleep (since I had barely any sleep the night before). The trip took a little over an hour, then we had to take a bus. Eventually we got to Pacific Fair, we knew our hotel was close, but our iPhones weren’t telling us where. We were forced to take a taxi so we didn’t get lost.

When we got to the hotel we realized it was actually an apartment, which was much better for our week stay. After lounging around and going to 7/11 to get supplies for the week (chips and candy) we got ready for Dracula’s. Alex ruined my shirt while ironing it (long story) but it wasn’t “too” ruined so I was still able to wear it.

We found Dracula’s Fairly easily. We got our tickets and went in. Because we bought VIP tickets we got a complimentary glass of champagne. This was the first time I’d ever tasted champagne, and I did not like it. I ended up putting the glass on a random table before going on the ghost train.

Once we went on the ghost train and found our seats, we decided to get a picture with some of the cast. When we got back to our table our entree had arrived. It was a Japanese pancake thing that I didn’t like. Next came the main meal. I remember this being super delicious last time I went, but this time it seemed different (I guess they changed recipes). Finally dessert came. The thing I like most. It was a chocolate coffin with ice-cream and berries.

Once we’d eaten the show started. It was a good show. Plenty of laughs (most were old jokes I’d heard before) and the tech of the show did an astounding job (except the one time she fucked up).

When the show was over Alex and I went to the oxygen bar. You sat in a massage chair with an oxygen tube in your nose. It was alright. Then we went down to the gift shop. What I was probably most excited for. After spending $200 and getting halfway home I realized I already had one of the Gizmo (Gremlins) bobble head I’d just bought. We walked back and traded it for a Chucky (Childs Play) one instead.

Finally we got back to the hotel. I watched some TV then went to bed.

Day 4 (7th May):

After a good sleep in the darkest room ever, I woke up. I stayed in bed for a while before getting up and going into the lounge room. Since I forgot to buy stuff for breakfast I had tiny teddy’s and milk, like most days I’ve been here.

Eventually I showered. The shower head was one of the water saving ones, so the water came out incredibly fast. I had to wash my hair outside the shower and jump back and wash it out, otherwise the water would start stinging me. After a few minutes the hot water also ran out, so I was forced to finish showering with ice cold water (the one downside to my stay so far).

Since we were ready early, we decided to catch a bus and go to Surfers Paradise. When we got there we went straight to Ripley’s believe it or Not. It had been ages since I’d been (last time I was here (2007) it was being renovated). It was fun, not as good as I remembered it, but that could be since last time I would have been 10-12. Plus it was a new building.

After we left Ripley’s we went to Dracula’s, which was alright, but not as long as I remembered it. As we left I bought a mutant doll (I wish I’d bought two since they’re so cute).

Since they were the main things we wanted to do we just walked around. We found Timezone so spent a good chunk of time playing arcade games and winning crappy little prizes. After that we found the bus and went home.

Before we went home we stopped at Pacific Fair to get some groceries for the next few days, then we went home. For tea we decided to get Indian from the restaurant next door. They served kangaroo curry which is gross. Luckily the butter chicken I got was good. I ate that, lied on the couch for a while then went to bed.

Day 5 (8th May):

I got to sleep in which was nice. I eventually got out of bed and showered. Since Alex and I didn’t have anything to do we decided to head to Surfers Paradise again and go to Infinity. We caught the bus and walked around trying to find it.

After about an hour we gave up. We found a Wax Museum so decided to go there. I didn’t think it would be that good, but I was wrong. They had 2 tours. One you just walked through and looked at wax figures of celebrities, the other was a torture tour which was amazing. The also had one of the figures of Madame Tussaud made by her (there are only 3 in the world).

After that we walked around. We went back to Dracula’s haunted house to buy some more stuff, then caught the bus back to Pacific Fair. We walked around there for a while, but most shops were closing.

We bought some tea and went back to the apartment. Later I bought a slurpee, then went to bed.

Day 6 (9th May):

I had to get up early to get ready for Movieworld. I got ready in record time and we headed for the bus stop.

When we got to Movieworld many of the stores weren’t open yet, so Alex and I just walked around looking at stuff. We got bored so decided to go on the Wild Wild West water ride (one of the few rides I like). After that she went on the Scooby Doo coaster and the Superman roller coaster. I don’t like roller coasters so I just walked around buying heaps of Batman stuff.

Eventually we got bored and headed home. Later we walked to 7-11 to get slushees and then I went to bed (just like every night).

Day 7 (10th May):

Today we went to Seaworld since we had a VIP pass. I got up early, showered, and went to go catch the bus. We missed the bus just barely so were forced to wait for the next one.

We got there faster than our trip to Movieworld the day before, and it was a lot more fun than Movieworld. It was more animals and exhibits than rides which I like.

We saw polar bears, penguins, sharks, and other sea life. We also saw seals do tricks which was pretty fun. I also went on a skywalk, which was a 3 storey high walk on fake wood and rope bridges. Since it had been raining it was a bit slippery so thankfully I was connected to a harness.

The park started closing up so we decided to catch the bus home.

Instead of going all the way home we stopped in Surfers Paradise for dinner. We decided on all-you-can-eat pancakes. I didn’t even get through 3.

After we ate and got the bus home, I just sat around. They’d changed the couch in our room to one a bit comfort for laying on so I just lied on the couch until I went to bed.

Day 8 (11th May):

We were going to go to Dreamworld today, but instead decided to just do nothing and relax. This was good because I got to sleep in.

Later on we walked to Pacific Fair and got Krispy Kreme donuts and a slurpee. Then I just lied around all day, packed my bags for tomorrow, watched TV and generally did nothing. Then I went to bed.

Day 9 (12th May):

This was our last day here. I woke up early so I could get ready before check-out. Since we had a bunch of extra stuff my bag was twice as heavy, SP it was a hassle walking it to the bus station. We caught the bus to the train station and JUST missed the bus so we had to wait 30 minutes for the next one.

Eventually I made it to central to see Jacob. I also met a few people from Twitter. After eating McBites and learning how to open the doors of a train I went to the airport. Alex and I waited around for a few hours before our plane.

On the plane home I read my book so the flight seemed to go quick. Mum picked me up from the airport and I went home to bed.

The end.

Sometimes people ask me how I’m sick, or what I have. Usually I’d point them to a blog, but I don’t think I’ve done one (or if i have, I have no idea where it is) so I thought I would write an entire new one. This blog will be about my UC, ileostomy, and reversal. It’s going to be a bit long, so yeah. Let’s begin.

It all began in 2008, it was around March when I began to feel a bit sick. I had a bit of nausea, couldn’t sleep well, all basic flu symptoms so that’s all I thought I had. It wasn’t until that Easter that I started to get worse.

On Easter day I went out to a family breakfast at Sizzler. I felt really sick, light-headed. I remember I was supposed to work that day, so I had to ring in sick (of course they thought I was only “sick” because it was Easter).

After Easter it just kept getting worse. I’d be in the toilet constantly, lost a lot of weight (I was down to 45 kgs at one stage). All I could eat was fruit cut into tiny pieces, and even that I could maybe eat once a day. After a few weeks of it not getting better I went to the doctor (why I didn’t go sooner I’m not sure).

The doctor did some tests on me and said I had irritable bowel syndrome (that I probably got from salmonella). He gave me some pills and sent me on my way. The pills worked, but only for a week. Once i had run out of them I began feeling worse then before. I was losing more and more weight, eating less and less. I got so bad it was time to go to the hospital.

When I went it was pretty much the same as the hospital. I told the doctor what my GP had said about IBS, and he just gave me stronger pills. These worked better than the last ones, but just like the last ones once they were gone I felt sick again. I was getting annoyed with all this. Once again I went back to the hospital.

This time they ran some proper tests on me and had a professional butt doctor look at me. I was in hospital for a week this time. The whole week was a lot of blood transfusions, blood tests, IV drips, and a lot of other invasive things. 

After the week was over they finally worked out what was wrong with me. I had ulcerative colitis. They worked out what pills I had to take and let me go home.

The next year was all about getting better. I had a weekly check up with the gastroenterology doctor, and everything seemed to be going fine.

Everything went okay until the start of 2010. Just after my 20th birthday I started feeling sick again. My pills were no longer working. The doctor put me on stronger pills and a weekly IV treatment, hoping it would make me better.

A few months passed and I felt fine, but according to my blood tests I wasn’t. The doctor decided I needed to have a colonoscopy to see what was going on. Apparently my large intestine had become incredibly inflamed. I was checked into hospital and told I’d have to have surgery to remove my large intestine, or I could face getting bowel cancer and most likely die or something just as fun.

After a few days in hospital it was finally time for surgery. I tried not to think about it. Once the surgery was over I don’t remember much. I was attached to a morphine machine for the next few days so was pretty drugged for most of it.

After a few days when I wasn’t so sore anymore I had to do physio to get up and out of the hospital faster. Finally after a week of being in the hospital I was out.

The next few weeks at home I was fairly okay. Then a month after my surgery I got incredibly dehydrated. I couldn’t move, and if I stood up I’d faint. I ended up back in hospital for another week. Once I was out I felt great. Better than I had in so long.

The next 9 months I was slowly getting used to my colostomy bag. By the end I had finally gotten used to it, when it was time for my reversal.

My reversal surgery went alright. No complications and I was up the next day walking around. I felt pretty good. Later in the day they put me on solid foods. Some kind of disgusting cheese fish thing. It made me sick and the next 2 days I was staying in hospital again. After that I was finally allowed home.

The next few weeks I seemed to be getting better. I was able to leave the house, walk around a bit and all that. That only lasted 3 weeks. Once I hit the 3 week mark I started feeling incredibly light headed whenever I stood up.

And that finally leads me to know. The 5 week mark. I’m hopefully getting better, but I still feel incredibly sore, and can’t walk much without being out of breath and dehydrated. Hopefully this surgery wasn’t a mistake and I won’t end up with the ileostomy bag back again.

This weekend a friend and I decided to go down to Brisbane. No real reason behind it, he just had 5 days off and wanted to do something exciting. Now I will tell you all the things I did. You can imagine like you were actually there with me! Isn’t the Internet amazing?

Day 1: Saturday 23rd October 2010

I woke up at 7:15a and got ready to go on my first plane ever, which was less exciting then I had imagined (I imagined balloons and strippers, but that’s usually how I imagine everything is). Mother drove me to the airport and I checked in to my flight. I waited until I was allowed to get on the plane. I was excited because I had a window seat, and I had heard they were the best. By 10:30a Saturday I had landed in Brisbane. I took the train from the airport to central station where I waited for Andrew to arrive (he had flown in on Friday and stayed with his brother on the other side of Brisbane) which took a little over 2 hours. During that time I just sat on a chair watching people leave the train. Most of them were creepy. There was an abundance of emo’s, Asians and hipsters. After waiting for Andrew to come (and using almost 50% of my battery in the process) we went to find the hotel. I stupidly typed “Miller hotel” into Google maps instead of “Metro hotel” so we ended up walking for an hour to find it instead of the 5 minutes it would’ve taken from the station (thankfully the wonderful Jacob helped us find our way). Once we’d checked into the hotel and I had stared at the wondrous purple shoes Jake was wearing for long enough we went to get food. Jake being the fat wreck he is took us to Hungry Jacks. I like Hungry Jacks. I eat it a lot (as you can tell from my enormous body and various chins) but this was the worst burger I had ever eaten in my life. It felt like someone rubbed ass crack and dried fetus blood on a piece of bread and made me pay for it. After eating a watching a pigeon sex riot we walked back to the hotel so I could lay down (the burger had made me sick). Andrew and I discussed what we wanted to do that night. He wanted to go out drinking, and I wanted to not go out and drink. Eventually I planned to go to the movies with Jake. We saw Resident Evil in 3D (which was the greatest piece of cinematography ever created. If it doesn’t win ever Emmy or Oscar or whatever the fuck movie awards are, I will kill myself). Once it finished Jake and I parted ways and I walked to the hotel, where I showered and watched TV until 1:30a before going to bed.

Day 2: Sunday 24th October 2010

I didn’t wake up until 1p (I’m lazy no matter where I am) and Andrew and I went to the central station to find a way to get to a beach. We eventually gave up and went shopping. Our first stop was to get food. I got a small chips from Red Rooster which made me feel as sick. Andrew felt sick from his too, but we ventured on. We went into David Jones and I touched an iPad (not as exciting as I thought it would be). After a while we decided to go back to the hotel. We sat in the room watching Letters to Juliet which I had never seen before. It was a very relatable movie and I was shocked when I heard it wasn’t based on a true story. After sitting lazily on the beds for a few hours we went to the cinemas to see Paranormal Activity 2 (which was better then the first). After that we went to get Krispy Kreme. My donut purchasing was interrupted by a phone call from one of my many stalkers (@saamrae) wondering where I was. Eventually she found us and we went walking. Like all good stalker/rapists she took us into a dark park where was sat on chairs like bums for a while. Then we continued walking until we saw a possum. This excited me as (to my knowledge) I had never seen a possum. Andrew touched the possum’s and then we named it Wilbur. We then walked back and got Subway for dinner. Sam eventually left (without a goodnight grope) and drove home. Andrew and I walked back to the hotel. Andrew fell right to sleep, and I showered.

Day 3: Monday 25th October 2010

After only falling asleep at around 4a, I woke up at 7:45a to get ready to catch a train to the Gold Coast so we could go to Dreamworld. We bought our tickets and got on the train with one minute to spare. I’m not sure if it was the iced coffee I had for breakfast, being up early, or the motion (perhaps all 3) but the train and bus trip made me feel overly sick. I felt like I was going to throw up. I layed on the grass outside Dreamworld until I felt well enough to walk. We had to wait for it to open, since neither of us wanted to pay $10 to go in a little bit earlier. First thing we did was buy some breakfast. I had the blandest egg and lettuce sandwich known to man (which kept in good with the shit food streak I had going on). We walked around for a while until Andrew’s friend came. We went walking for a bit, then I decided to buy sunglasses so the sun would stop being a cunt to my eyes. I walked off and when I returned Andrew had disappeared. I went looking for him until I found the Spongebob live show and watched that instead. I walked around for a few hours on my own (which wasn’t as bad as I imagined walking around Dreamworld alone would be) I eventually found Andrew again. He continued going on rides, so I walked off to look at things I could buy. Later he rang me to go play laser tag in AVPX. This was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to Dreamworld, so I went to get in line. After being called Justin Bieber by the operator (which, after going through a second time, I found he used the same jokes over and over again) we strapped up the vests and played. It was a lot of fun. Not as much fun as the laser tag at Timezone, but I think that’s mainly because it went for a surprisingly small amount of time. I ended up with 570/80 points, beating Andrew (and beating out my sister’s score from when she played months ago. She got in the negatives). Once we left there Andrew went to Wet and Wild world. I would’ve loved to go, but sadly if my colostomy bag gets wet it comes off, and I didn’t want to be walking around with an exposed stoma for the rest of the day. I walked around taking photos of everything (looking like an enormous tourist in the process). I went back on AVPX, looking in the stores some more until I met up with Andrew again and we left. The bus and train ride home was better then the previous trip, so I assumed it was just the earliness. We got back to the hotel around 6p and I rang my Mum (I’m a good son). Andrew went for a walk and came back with a slurpee. I was angry because I wanted one too. Later he went to bed and since our flight was 6a in the morning I decided to stay awake.

Day 4: Tuesday 26th October 2010

We left our hotel at 4a to go catch the train. Since the train didn’t start running until 5a we caught a taxi instead (which weren’t as nice as Townsville taxi’s. I found this odd). We checked into our flight, got some food (which again, was shit) then waited for our flight. I felt tired on the flight and eventually fell asleep. I woke up and my iPhone was in the aisle with my headphone still attached. I was happy no one had stood on it/stolen it. I clenched my iPhone tight in my hands and fell asleep again. Eventually we landed, I got my bags, walked to the car and drove home. I immediately fell asleep because I felt like shit and then I woke up and wrote this.

Right now the Brisbane trip just feels like a dream. I think it was the fact the trip was so spontaneous. We discussed it Tuesday, bought my tickets Wednesday, and then left. I wish it had have been a few more days, but I can’t complain much. So yeah, there’s my entire Brisbane trip.

I’m not a big caffeine drinker. Having no job means I rarely have to wake up past noon. The days I do need to wake up early to go somewhere however, I do drink caffeine. I remember the first time I ever had a large amount of caffeine. Today I am here to regale you with such a story.

I was in grade 9 or 10, and I was on a trip to a chess club (you see, I was an extremely cool kid). Since there was only a few of us in the club, we were driven there by a teacher. On the way, my friend (who was a caffeine junky) asked to stop at a gas station to buy the 2 for 1 V deal. Being the good friend he was, he asked if anyone else wanted one. I, loving free things, said I did. He bought me 2 V’s. The first one I drank in the car. I felt nothing. I was felt ripped off. How dare caffeine not awaken me! We got to the chess club area (another local school) and I decided to drink the second before we started. We all stood around as the rules or whatever were read, and during this time the caffeine kicked in. It kicked in hard. It was like a horse that kicked me in the head. I immediately got the urge to run around, but I knew I couldn’t. I just stood there, shaking and grinning.

Then the tournament began. Now, for those who aren’t familiar with the game of chess, let me explain one thing, being full of energy when playing it is not a good idea. In fact, it is probably the worst idea, behind skinning children and killing Jews. My first round I just sat there, doing moves in under a second. My brain was racing. Whenever the other guy would take to long I would make my men talk (he probably thought I was mentally ill). I somehow won the first round in a very short amount of time. I think the kid just wanted it to be over so he could leave me. During the time between the first and second round I just walked back and forth.

This went on most of the day. I would just laugh at anything that happened, talk to my chess pieces, and generally scare people. We came in third that day, and to this day I think it was the caffeine that helped me win. Although the whole day could have just been in my head, fuelled by the caffeine. I guess I’ll never know.

This is my extremely well thought out life plan. It took me almost 10 minutes to write, but

it is FLAWLESS!!

Step 1: Get a job next year.
Step 2: Get license.
Step 3: Save.
Step 4: Move to Brisbane or Sydney.
Step 5: Marry a supermodel.
Step 6: Make her pay all the bills.
Step 7: Be a house husband and raise my 2 Asian children
Step 8: Sell them to a sweat shop for more money.
Step 9: Divorce my wife.
Step 10: Get a lot of money in the settlement.
Step 11: Fund my comics.
Step 12: Get good and work for Pixar.
Step 13: Write the script for Toy Story 4.
Step 14: Make more money.
Step 15: Buy Pixar.
Step 16: Sell it to Microsoft for billions.
Step 17: Use the money to buy an island.
Step 18: Name it Christopia.
Step 19: Build a house.
Step 20: Make myself my own nation where I am king.
Step 21: Marry again and have an heir to the thrown.
Step 22: Start a war with France.
Step 23: America will help.
Step 24: I will gain their trust and become president.
Step 25: Abolish democracy.
Step 26: Turn the USA part of Christopia where I will be king.
Step 27: Claim war on England.
Step 28: Win and take them over.
Step 29: Repeat until I own the world.
Step 30: Sell all but Christopia to martians for zillions.
Step 31: Retire on my island, knowing my future generations will be better off.

END!

This happened a few years back, and I don’t even think it can be considered a prank. A friend was sleeping over, she woke up before me and was gabbing on with my sister. When I eventually woke up and walked out of my room she said (conversation found on old computer, spelling and grammatical errors fixed)

Her: You going to straighten your hair

Me: No

Her: Why not, it looks shit

Me: I don’t care, you’re the only one here

Her: It looks shit tho, straighten it

Me: Fuck off, I don’t want to!

Her: Do it!

Me: FINE!

I then go into the bathroom, noticing my straightener’s gone

Me: Where’s my straightener?

Her: I hid it

Me: K then

Her: Do you want to know where it is

Me: Not really

Her: Then you’ll never have it again

Me: I have another one, I’ll just use that

Her: FIND IT

Me: Fine *looks unenthusiasticly* where is it?

Her: I hid it in Alex’s (My sister) underwear

Me: So now I’m going to get aids getting it back?

Her: Yep

Me: Well then I don’t want it back, she can have it

Her: Fine I’ll get it for you *walks into room, while in there I steal her make up bag*

Her: Here it is…where’s my make up bag?

Me: I hid it, you’ll have to find it

Her: *punches me in the arm* give it back or I’ll do it again

Me: You suck

THE END!

And the moral of the story is short people are cruel assholes.

I was just in the shower as I do when stink lines start to form, and I started thinking “I wonder if there is somehow to tweet from the shower” because I have no life at all, so little of a life in fact I am going to blog about the tweets I would’ve sent in the shower.

ChristopherLane Turning on the shower, hurrah for being clean #SHOWER

ChristopherLane Fuck, the water’s cold. I’ll adjust it #SHOWER

ChristopherLane SUNNAVABITCH Now it’s hot and I burnt myself #AssholeShower

ChristopherLane Water’s all good. Now to put some shampoo in my luscious locks #SHOWER

ChristopherLane Lather, rinse, then repeat. Always repeat #Showering #SimpsonsQuote

ChristopherLane FUCKING SHAMPPO IN MY EYE HOW AM I EVEN SENDING THIS TWEET AH FUCK #ShampooFUUUUUUUU

ChristopherLane Fuck you edge of the bathtub. You hurt my toe. Apologise right now! #SHOWER

ChristopherLane Conditioning time, la la la #SHOWER

ChristopherLane Just realized I’m sending these naked and wet, just like your mum last night #SHOWER

ChristopherLane I wish I had a rubberduck in here, I should buy one #RubberDuckieyouretheoone #Youmakebathtimeohsofun

ChristopherLane Shower over, now to change my colostomy bag #SHOWER

ChristopherLane Dear colostomy bag, stop ripping off the various hairs that surround you. It hurts me #SHOWER

Christopher BAM changed, now to go on the computer and write a blog about the tweets I would’ve sent in here #SHOWER

Uh…yeah, I have a sad life. Sad, sad life. Luckily it can be made better with icecream and ice magic on top.

When I was younger (not sure how young, maybe 12/13) I was shopping with my Mum. My Uncle tagged along as well, and we were all there, just walking around the store, loading up baskets with food. At a certain point the baskets became to heavy, and we had around 3. The trolleys were the ones you had to put money in, and you get it back once you return it. I being the nice young lad I was decided to go get my Mum a trolley, so it would be easier for her.

I went outside, my own $2 in hand, and fidgeted around with the trolley. I had no idea how you put the money in; that’s when 3 black kids (they were about 14/15) came over and offered to help me. I, being the trusting young lad I was, said “sure, OK” and handed them my $2. They began to fidget with the trolley, and slowly one boxed me out, so I couldn’t see anything. Next thing I know all 3 are running off with my $2 in hand. I was shocked. I was technically just robbed of my $2.

I went back in the shop, and Mum asked where I’d been. I told her what had happened, and My Uncle said some profanities, then ran outside. I followed. He asked which way they went and I pointed out the direction, then ZOOM he was off. He chased them for a good 5 minutes, during which time one of them threw of their shoes to run faster.

We didn’t catch them, but my Uncle did take the discarded shoes and throw them into 2 separate drains.

The thing that has perplexed me all these years is why throw off your shoes; which surely cost more then $2; just to keep the $2. The only thing I have come up with is shoes can’t buy drugs.

So, throughout my life many things that I can not explain have happened. I can not explain them because when they happen, I tend to run away like a chicken shit woman into my bed and hide under the covers for a million years. My theory is nothing can harm you underneath blankets because they’re actually made of unicorn fur and orphan skin (side not: unicorn fur and orphan skin combined is the strongest thing ever when combined. Try it today!)

There was the one time I thought I saw a gnome in my backyard (it looked exactly like this http://youtu.be/q0fPoH2gWzc so much so that watching that video gives me nightmares)

Then in my new house, I was going to the toilet once; it was the middle of the night and as I was walking back into the room, I looked down the hallway and swear I saw something white and ghostly turn and look at me. Then it felt like it was gliding towards me so I ran in the room, slammed the door, locked it (fearing the ghost thing could open doors) then climbed under the covers and hid there until I eventaully fell asleep. Ever since then whenever I go to the toilet at night I avoid looking down the hallway. Times I have I’m sure I see the same thing again, and everytime I lunges at me. I think it’s only there because I thought I saw it once, so my mind replays the fear over and over again.

Anoter time when trying to fall asleep I heard voice in my head. You know how sometimes you hear voices in your head, so you try to control what they say to make sure it’s actually just you in your head? No? I’m the only one, well OK then. Anyway, this time I heard a voice of a guy. It sounded like one of those old black jazz guys from the 50’s or whenever they were abundant. I forget what he said, all I remember is he would try to talk to me. He always said my name, but I would think of other things to try to stop the voice. I heard it for about a week. Occasionally the voice will come back, along with weirder voices. Occasionally flashes of faces that I’ve never seen before. Sometimes I think it’s ghosts, or dead people trying to contact me; usually I just think I’m going crazy and in a few years I’ll be in a mental asylum, leaing in a cushioned room screaming about the demon ghost gnome who talks to me.

Other paranormal things that have happened to not me, but my family have been; that once my cousin saw our great grandma come into her room, sit on her bed and tell her everything was ok. Another time my little cousin said a man told her that if we didn’t sleep with our lights on he would kill us (she was only 3 at the time). Plus my Aunts a “psychic” and does police investigations for American cops, and people who wants answers. She has millions of stories that freak me out.

I guess the point of this is, I am a pussy who is still scared of the dark so I sometimes sleep with a lamp on.

So this person I know, think their name is Jade Craven has a blog. Small time. Not big at all *SARCASTICCOUGHMEANINGSHEHASABIGBLOGBIGGERTHENYOURMUMSPENISCOUGH*

ANYWAY, she did this “14 facts about me because I am sooooooooooo cool like OMGZ!” (that might not be the title but I don’t care because I hate your Mother)

SO I thought I would also do one as detailed as hers, AS DETAILED! HERE IT IS!

(Also check out Mr_Billiam’s post 5 things you probably know about me)

1. I was born to a magical family My Mother is a genie and my Father is a unicorn prince

Yes, this is indeed true. My Mother is a magical genie, and my Father is a unicorn prince from the kingdom of Unicornia. They met at a Magix meeting, and fell in love. Then from pure magical chemicals radiating from their bodies, I instantly appeared, I had been born. This is the reason I am like 1 bajillion times more awesome then you. In fact, the word awesome was actually created just as a way of describing me, YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN! How? Easy

2. Coming from a magical family I have certain magical powers

I have a large range of magical powers. Listing them would take ten million years! I know because I once listed them, then came back in time. Unfortaunetly I left the list in the future. I could’ve written another one but I didn’t want to spend another 10 million years writing because my hands was kind of hurting from it. Basically, if you can imagine a superpower, I have it. I even have the power to create a sandwich with only the words “BITCH MAKE ME A SAMMICH!”.

3. I am actually 20 foot tall

But I shrink myself so I will fit in. Last time I went to Tokyo in my green shirt they started shouting I was God-Zilla or something. I assumed these words meant GOD OF AWESOME! But it turns out they thought I was a dinosaur. They made a movie about it tho so you know, there’s that

4. Once I skinny dipped in the Loch Ness river water thing. Now they think a monster lives in there

My dong is that big, yes…ladies ;)…ok I made it grow with my magical superpowers. SHUDDUP! Your Mum didn’t complain

5. I have been in every single movie ever made

You know that one guy in the movie whose kind of in the back, but is blurry. You think you’ve seen him before? Yeah, it’s me. I have been in every single movie that has ever been made. Even porn. Sometimes I shrink myself down and sit on peoples shoulders. I was on Johnny Depps shoulder in Sweeney Todd, telling him the lyrics when he forgot them.

6. I was the inspiration for the Mona Lisa

So me and Da Vinci were getting drunk this one time, and I put on a wig, and was all “OOOH I’M A PRETTY LADY!” and he’s like “THAT SHIT’S SO FUNNY! I GOTTA PAINT THAT FUCKER!” so he did. I kept laughing so he’s like “FUCK YOU I’LL PAINT YOU NOT SMILING AT ALL!” Man, it was like the most epic night ever

7. I once punched Chuck Norris in the arm and he cried like a little bitch for 24 hours straight

I was at a party, and I saw him so I was like “Yo, you’re Chuck Norris right?” and he’s all “OMGZ YOU’RE CHRISTOPHER LANE I FUCKING LOVE YOU!” and he tries to kiss me, so I’m like FUCK THIS and punched him in the arm, and HE CRIED! Not even a manly cry (if there is such a thing) it was a little womanly cry. Then he ran away. Later I found out he also pissed himself from fright. Now me and my posse call him pissy woman cryer.

8. I taught Jesus how to walk on water

Or rather, I did it for him. People were starting to doubt he was the son of God, so he was like “Christopher, thou hast to helpeth me. You must create a mricale of such brilliance the world believes my lies!” So I’m all “That’s cool, I’ll walk across some motherfucking water” so I dressed up like him and walked across water. I could’ve taken credit, but he said if I did he wouldn’t pay for the whores we had the night before, and it didn’t have any old timey money.

9. I also created the Earth

It was just yesterday actually. Got bored and wanted to see how the world began. Went back and it was just this big black nothing. I couldn’t see so I lit a mtach and then BOOM! everything exploded. It was the biggest bang I ever heard. Then the Earth was created. So in a way, I am actually God. Feel free to praise me/send me gifts of money

10. I told Hitler how to style his hair

First off, you might think “WHY DIDN’T YOU TRY TO STOP HIM?!” and I did! I couldn’t tho. He was immune to my powers, since he himself was born into a magical family (found out later I am his father after screwing his Mother. Told her to get an abortion but the doctor talked her out of it)  BUT I didn convince him that the mustache would look good, look iconic. Didn’t tell him he looked like a complete douchebag. I still laugh about it

11. I own a unicorn farm

Really it’s just my dads familys parent, but I do take their eggs and sell them to the gnome people of the mushroom kingdom to make my pants.

12. I am what Willis was talking ‘bout.

Once during a taping of Diff’rent strokes, I was talking to the kid who played Willis, I told him all about the future. Later he told Gary Coleman all about it, and he uttered “What you talking ‘bout Willis?” The director loved it and said to keep it in the show.

13. I own all the money in the world

It’s how I make all my extravagant purchases without having a job. I just go into a store and make the cashier pay, since I own all the money in the world. ALL THE MONEY! I won it in a card game against Donald Trump, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates

14. I am immortal

I will never die. One day it will seem like I’ve died, but it is merely an act I need to give off every 80 or so years so people won’t realize I am a mortal. Also, I don’t age. I just put on the appearance so people won’t go “HOW CAN YOU BE 10,001,498 years old! You look 20!” And for the record, I am 10,001,498. 2 more years until the big 1-0-0-0-1-5-0-0. I was however, only born 1,500 years ago. I am ten million years older because of my list I made (see fact 2)

END OF LIST!